Two years ago my body stopped working, I couldn’t stand, walk and I definitely couldn’t leave my room. Getting up to get some water became an impossible task, I would rather stay in my bed and die of thirst. For years I have had problems with emotional outbursts, being incapable of making decisions, being unable to sleep and therefore unable to get up in the morning. All these warning signals I had just ignored, because well that was probably just me being stupid, and as my parents told me I should just get it together. So when I wasn’t able to I hated myself, and just made it through school, to this day I regret that I didn’t do something sooner, because I could have gone through gymnasium with good grades, but instead I became an average student.
When I in autumn 2008 knew something was completely wrong, my dear sister whom I couldn’t have gone through this without, told me to go see a shrink. First I couldn’t stand the thought of this, because that would mean I had to admit my defeat, and I’m not big fan of that. In my family, seeking help has always been seen as a sign of weakness, so this forced me to deal not only with my self but my relationship with my family. This doesn’t mean that my family is horrible, quite the contrary, it’s the most amazing people in the world, and we all love each other very much, that’s the problem. We all interfere a lot in each others lives and that can creat problems, and they are the few people I can’t tell off, because they’re my family. When I started seeing the shrink, I was certain that the problem was all me, but as we got to talk, and I stopped being in the defense about my family, we found out that my depression actually had developed back in 2004, when my family went bankrupted with our estate. It was a huge place, and my father owned other smaller farms, where there were pigs and cattle. I had lived there all my life, and all my childhood memories is from this place. All my friends from back then also had a relationship to this place, because it had become a place of freedom and fun, for many of them living in small houses in the city. Therefore loosing this place nearly destroyed me.
We moved far away from my school and all of my friends, wich didn’t make things easier. My older brother and sister lived in Copenhagen at the time, so I was alone with my parents. This was very difficult, because we’ve never were good at communicating, so I basically went living with a friend. Then I finished folkeschool, and had to start at gymnasium, because we lived so far away I couldn’t go were my friends went, so I had to start at a whole new school with no familiar faces, suffering from a growing depression. We only lived at the new place nine months, then we moved again, and that was even harder than the first time. The first time we had no choice, this time my family decided without me to move, and I wasn’t even consulted. I had just found peace with the situation, and now we had to move again. I especially had problems with moving my horse again, she had just gotten calm, and now she would have to deal with a new place all over again. But fortunately she was awesome, and was calm about everything, this made it a lot easier for me.
As it turned out, this new place was a heaven for my family, beautiful and big, with less complications. So it was the right decision, but during it was hell. On the new school I found some of my best friends today, and at the place my horse stood I also found some amazing people, where one of them is one of my best friends.
Back to 2008, I had dropped out of university and was now forced to deal with 4 years of depression, it was horrible my brain couldn’t function, going to the bathroom became something I had to mentally prepare myself for, for hours. Then to make everything worse my roommate kicked me out of our apartment, he didn’t have any understanding for my situation. I was the one who cleaned, and being that I couldn’t stand up I therefore couldn’t clean. I was furious, and for the first time in my life the thought of suicide seemed to be the only escape. This thought scared me shitless, and it kept following in the back of my head, but fortunately I couldn’t act on it. Then a week before christmas I was homeless, had no money because I didn’t get any money from school and I couldn’t work. So I moved home to mom and dad, which was the greatest thing ever. I worked as a waiter with my mom all through 2009 and we became very good friends, which was nice. I didn’t have to worry about anything than getting better, so again the worst thing that could ever happen turned into a good thing. Looking back on the wonderful people who only came into my life, because my old life vanished, I’m grateful both for them and the trials I’ve survived. When stuff happens to me now, I still find them hopeless at first, but then I think about what I have endured and then nothing seems so bad.
Today I have my own place, and studies again. I’m ok, I still have days where I can’t leave my bed, and where I get nothing done because my brain just want cooperate. But there’s less of them. I love my life, I really do it took me 6 years of anger and depression to realise this, we all have our obstacles but if we manage to see past them and focus on what lies ahead, we can overcome them. I know that without my friends and family I probably wouldn’t be here. Well this was just a little story of my hardest years, sorry that it had to end being such a cliché, but well that’s just my writing.
It’s actually been a couple of months since I wrote this, but I didn’t want to post it, because well it’s rather personal.. But this last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling depressed again, spending 80% of my time in my bed, sleeping all day, and not being able to sleep because of a million thoughts keep overflowing my mind… So now I read this post again, trying to remember how I overcome this the last time, and now I have decided to post this, as part of my treatment plan so I can be myself again…