I need people to take care of me, I hate admitting this, but I do. I seek mens attention just so they will care for me, usually I just need them for an hour or two, then I’m fine again. I want to be one of those women, who can control her own life and be totally independent, but in time I have come to realise, that I will never be like that. My sister helps me fix a lot of my problems, and I’m extremely grateful for this, therefore I have become very addicted to her solving all of my problems, so now whenever I solve something myself it’s a huge victory, even if it’s just who I can get to help move my horse. My friends are more important to me than they’ll ever know, because I’ve never been good at sharing my feelings standing with them face to face. I’ve become much better, but it’s still not good enough. I don’t want them to know that I need them, and mostly I just need them to need me. I love being needed, and the one people go to for help, even though I rarely know shit. Depending on people has always been seen as a weakness in my family, so I’ve learned that the only one you can depend on is your family, everybody else will eventually crush you, this is a horrible thought to let haunt your mind most of your childhood. Now I know that the world is not like that, I have a number of friends, I would let in charge of my life.
Admitting to people I need them is almost impossible, but last week something rather extraordinary happened, it may seem like a small insignificant thing, but to me it ment the world. One of my closest male friends, had reasontly become single, he’s a good-looking guy and I have always been attracted to him, but the friendship has always been more important. Three years ago we were inseparable, we were together a lot, and sat watching movies and drinking white wine. We would sit in each others arms without any sexual affections, just two friends being close. In these moments I always felt completely safe, like nothing could harm me, and I really needed that because my life was complete shit. We also partied together a lot, and we always danced and had fun. He gave me all I needed from a man, he held me, hugged me, danced with me, and made me feel safe. I didn’t have feelings for him, not any romantic ones, but I really didn’t want to lose him. But I did, I don’t know want happened, but all of a sudden he was gone. Then I started searching for a man who could give me whatever it was he had been giving me, but it always led to sex. So I started trying finding safety in that, but it only gave me a few moments of pleasure and then emptiness. He did have a girlfriend the whole time we hang out, so therefore there wasn’t any romantic feelings. That was the background now he is single, and we have now kissed twice, I don’t regret it, I just fear that he thinks I’m in love with him, wich I’m pretty sure I’m not. I just remembered how good he made me feel back then, and I want that feeling back. Me realising this is huge, I was sure that I was madly in love with him, but I’m not, I just miss him being in my life and us hanging out watching Finding Nemo and drinking white wine. I would never be able to manage a relationship with him, I’m way to much of an egoist, he wouldn’t stand a change and our friendship definitely would not. It’s not that it wasn’t nice kissing him, but I didn’t really feel anything, not anything worth risking a beautiful friendship. So now I just need to tell him this, but I have no idea how, no matter how I’m saying it it’ll end up sounding like an insult and I clearly don’t want that.
This was what I wrote the day after we kissed the first time:
Every time he is close to me, I feel happy, like my soul is being relieved from years of pain. When he holds me, I feel more safe than I have ever felt. Could he ever be truly mine? I want him too love me, and to be with me forever, I just realised this now. For years I just wanted because I couldn’t have him, but now I want him because he’s the right one for me. Of course you can never be truly sure of this, but if someone was right for me, it definitely would be him.
My feelings were slightly different back then, but I believe it must have been the combination of hangover and rush of finally scoring the ungetable one.. Hehe…