Stuff from my notebook vol. 1

Found an old notebook, and thought I’d share this… It’s just silly writing and thoughts, but it has always been important for me to get my feelings down on writing, since I’m horrible at sharing them otherwise, so these small sentences is more important to my well-being than you can imagine 😉

A virus controlling my body, force myself to self-destruction, ruins my life, slow motion suicide.

It wont kill me tomorrow, but eventually it’ll get me.

Doubt, self-hate and laziness,

My life falls apart slowly.

The puzzle was finally finished, and now the bricks fall out-of-place.

Now only a small number holds it together.

I feel the rivers cold water call to me, as I walk along my brothers land. The water could be a nice relief from this world. The autumn wind feels soft like kittens on my skin. The cold wet grass slowly soaks through my sneakers. The strong stream could bring me out of this world. Then I hear: “Yes I walk around somehow, but you have killed me.” Life has killed me, but I’m still here suffering.

In the arms of strangers I find safety and security in my fading beauty. But when they leave, my body is more hollow than ever, and then I find comfort in whatever will make me even more miserable.

A state of total depression

Nowhere to go but up

Still I can’t seem to find the way

Lost in my own despair

hopelessness

The way to success is so far away, so untouchable, so unattainable. The road is more uneven and dusty than I thought. With every step I take I stumble because of rocks or fall into a hole. Every time I try to take a deep breath to move on, I get dust in my lungs and coughs until I remember that there’s no way forward for me.

I enjoy the night, the cold clammy hands of frost. The evening started fun, and now my mind is broken. Unable to tell right from wrong and what I want and don’t want. I need success.

An ideal man, will forever stay perfect in your mind. How can he satisfy in real life? He can only be a disappointment. So let him stay ideal.. The reality is not an option, as it would ruin the picture.

I feel in love with my reflection,

the one in the window looked happier, thinner and smarter

I feel in love with his potential

What he could become

instead he dragged me down.

We feel in love with each other, but not the real other, our idea of the other.

In the cold light of morning

where the sun barely shows

A sight appeared

A sight of horror

The lonesome look

despair and anguish behind the blue eyes

a tear on the red cheek appeared.

Turned the pretty face into a face of pain,

the great loss has set its trails on the fragile soul.

The colors around me has changed

darkness has lightened

light has brightened

The fog in my head has lifted

future is no more a possibility

future is now a certainty

But what do I miss?

Heads clear,

but the heart is more cloudy than ever

Feelings locked inside

Hidden in the depths.

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About theevilicequeen

Hi, I'm the only true IceQueen left in the world.. I have passed the exams, and now I'm in control of snow and ice all over the world... It's pretty fucking awesome....
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One Response to Stuff from my notebook vol. 1

  1. stenfalk says:

    okay baby, first off, that is beautiful…
    second, i know exactly how important those note books are… i used to carry them around all the time, write down emotions and lines that would pop into my head…
    honestly, i dont know why i stopped doing that and i hardly dare to look at them now 😉 still have them…

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