Found an old notebook, and thought I’d share this… It’s just silly writing and thoughts, but it has always been important for me to get my feelings down on writing, since I’m horrible at sharing them otherwise, so these small sentences is more important to my well-being than you can imagine 😉
A virus controlling my body, force myself to self-destruction, ruins my life, slow motion suicide.
It wont kill me tomorrow, but eventually it’ll get me.
Doubt, self-hate and laziness,
My life falls apart slowly.
The puzzle was finally finished, and now the bricks fall out-of-place.
Now only a small number holds it together.
I feel the rivers cold water call to me, as I walk along my brothers land. The water could be a nice relief from this world. The autumn wind feels soft like kittens on my skin. The cold wet grass slowly soaks through my sneakers. The strong stream could bring me out of this world. Then I hear: “Yes I walk around somehow, but you have killed me.” Life has killed me, but I’m still here suffering.
In the arms of strangers I find safety and security in my fading beauty. But when they leave, my body is more hollow than ever, and then I find comfort in whatever will make me even more miserable.
A state of total depression
Nowhere to go but up
Still I can’t seem to find the way
Lost in my own despair
The way to success is so far away, so untouchable, so unattainable. The road is more uneven and dusty than I thought. With every step I take I stumble because of rocks or fall into a hole. Every time I try to take a deep breath to move on, I get dust in my lungs and coughs until I remember that there’s no way forward for me.
I enjoy the night, the cold clammy hands of frost. The evening started fun, and now my mind is broken. Unable to tell right from wrong and what I want and don’t want. I need success.
An ideal man, will forever stay perfect in your mind. How can he satisfy in real life? He can only be a disappointment. So let him stay ideal.. The reality is not an option, as it would ruin the picture.
I feel in love with my reflection,
the one in the window looked happier, thinner and smarter
I feel in love with his potential
What he could become
instead he dragged me down.
We feel in love with each other, but not the real other, our idea of the other.
In the cold light of morning
where the sun barely shows
A sight appeared
A sight of horror
The lonesome look
despair and anguish behind the blue eyes
a tear on the red cheek appeared.
Turned the pretty face into a face of pain,
the great loss has set its trails on the fragile soul.
The colors around me has changed
darkness has lightened
light has brightened
The fog in my head has lifted
future is no more a possibility
future is now a certainty
But what do I miss?
but the heart is more cloudy than ever
Feelings locked inside
Hidden in the depths.