If I find my way, how much will I find? This is a line from Joseph Arthur‘s beautiful song In the sun. I sat and listened to this earlier today, and it got me thinking. Everybody is searching to find their way, some find it early and some probably never does, what defines a way? This may sound like a silly thought, but I desperately search for a purpose and I don’t seem to be able to find it.
When I was 12 years old I started really search myself to find out who I’m, I started doing this because my older sister kept changing every time she got new friends or a new boyfriend. I found this very odd, so I decided to figure myself out. I’m still conflicted with what I found, but I know who I am, I also know what my deepest desires are, but who I am get’s in the way for me achieving them.
But at the moment I find myself on a way to become something in the financial area, and I actually start to enjoy this. This week we have had a big project at school, and yesterday we was at the school from 8 am til 6 pm, and in some way I loved every minute of it. I probably liked it because of the people, but also because I get some results, I creat something. This experience was rather important to me, now I feel sure that I can finish this study, and even though this doesn’t lead me to my biggest career dreams, it’ll be something I have achieved, and it can give me the stability I grave.
Early I found out who and what I am, and even though I’m horrible at accepting this, I’m coming closer. I haven’t changed that much all these years, the only thing that really changed is that I learned that it’s okay to be different and break the rules, not that I do this very often, but I know now that I should always follow my own believes no matter what. When I was 12 years old growing up in the most pop-city in Denmark, I knew I didn’t really fit in, but I had a hard time showing it. I am a nerd when it comes to politics and theater, and this wasn’t exactly common interests in my class, so I always felt a lot older, and enjoyed hanging out with my older brothers friends and real grownups 😉 But being a girl in school, you’ll get bullied if you don’t blend in, so I decided to make myself invisible, this worked out most of the time. But when I turned 14 I realised that maybe the others would accept me for who I was, but of course they didn’t 😉 at least not at first, I have some very close friends from this period of my life, and they do truly love me for who I am now. I was always the one with no spine, I hate confrontations so when there was girl trouble I always tried to stay neutral and not take sides, but if you know how the mind of a teenager works, you’ll know that they doesn’t see it as neutral, but they see you as their newfound enemy. So instead I started taking sides, to this day I hate that I didn’t just stand up to those bitches and tell them to fuck off.
Ups, back to my way that keeps slipping away from me.
I’m the kind of person who loves pleasuring others, but sometimes I overdo it. This may sound a bit holy, but for me it actually has become some sort of obsession. My family has always had high expectations of me, because I’m sort of an intelligent girl, so they always told me that I could do anything. My father is an architect with his own firm, and he has always thrown subtle and less subtle hints that he wanted me to follow his path. A part of me really wanted to become an architect, but I would hate living in my father’s shadow the rest of my life. I’ve watched my father work so hard, to make a name for himself, sometimes too hard and it has nearly killed him more than once. How could I want the same? Instead of a fancy career I’ve always valued my spare time more, I want time to have horses, friends, family and days were I don’t have to do anything other than what I want to do. When I was a kid a wanted to be a politician or actress, both rather high maintenance careers.
I have always had a weak mind, meaning I can’t handle too much pressure and if I have to many worries, my body shuts down. So that I even dared to dream that I could handle being a politician was a bit stupid, but what is life without dreams? I did study political science, when I got the letter that said I was accepted, I was thrilled it was a dream come true. But it ended up being a dream that should forever change how I see myself. After three months at this study, I realised that I didn’t stand a change against the huge pile of books and endless load of assignments. I unfortunately had to admit defeat, and pull the pluck. This made me realise that I had to change my ambitions, and I realised that I wont waste time working, when I can take care of my loved ones instead including myself. 😉 So with this realisation I had to modify my “way” and my dreams, so I started looking for careers that would allow me to work part-time and perhaps with a home office, then the thought of being an accountant entered my mind. It may not be a dream coming true, but it would be something I could accept working with, this may sound very pragmatic, but that’s how my mind works.
I will always fantasize about standing on a stage playing Tatyana from Alexander Pushkin‘s Eugene Onegin or Nina from Chekhov’s The Seagull, but I’m starting to accept that it’ll never happen and that I will have to feed my need for the theater, from the darkness of the spectator space. I will also still dream of becoming a politician and present the financial plan I made for Denmark, when I was 18 and try to make some real changes regarding agriculture. I love dreaming about these things, and luckily I have a very lively imagination 😉
This may all seem extremely stupid, but I think I’ve finally found a “way” that I feel good about. Something that’ll make me happy in the long run, of course I fear that when I’m eighty I’ll look back with nothing but regret and hate myself for not just throwing away all safety measures and just jump. Who knows maybe someday I will, but for now I enjoy not having to make any large decision regarding my future for the next three years, I will just go with the flow while and hopefully I’ll enjoy my destination. The journey at the moment looks like a pleasant ride. Wow that was so cheesy, but hell with it.. Another cliché for the ones in the back life is an oyster you’ll never know whether or not you’ll find a pearl until you open it.. MUHAHAHAHA..
Just realised I should probably have a video with “In the Sun” too, after all that’s the song that started this rather weird blog.