I have always known that someday I would have to deal with this, I thought I would be ready, but I’m so not. Not yet. Last week I found a lump under my horses stomach, at first I thought it has accured due to some kind of hit, but it was hard and it felt like it was underneath the skin. This Monday I called the veterinarian to come check it out, she told me that she needed to take a sample. My horse was diagnosed with a tumor in her ovary two or three years ago, it made her act like a stallion, wich both had it’s funny moments and disasters, but a year ago she stopped acting like this, and I just thought it was great. When it was diagnosed the tumor was the size of a small tennis ball and today when the veterinarian came to check it out it was the size of a small handball, that’s a rather significant growth. She also found some other lumps along the fallopian tube, which she told was very rare on horses. Tomorrow I’m getting to know whether or not the lump under her stomach is benign or not, but I’m still struggling my mind.
The veterinarian told me regarding the tumor in her ovary, that she is now on borrowed time, there’s a chance that it might burst and my dear horse will bleed to death, it might be in a month or in three years. This worries me, my biggest fear is to one day find my horse dead in the field, bleeded out, that will not be a pretty sight, and I will never have known whether she suffered or not. She might live some happy years or she might age quick and become a shadow of herself, and I’m not sure I could bear to watch that happen. So now I’m torn, no matter what the test shows tomorrow I still own a very sick horse.
A part of me wants to keep her around for as long as possible because I couldn’t bare losing her already, she’s 19 years old so I knew this day would come, but not yet. Another part of me, want to end it now, this might sound harsh, but I’m not sure I can handle the pressure of never knowing if my horse is dead or alive every time i get in the car to go see her. Is it today she’s gone? The veterinarian tried to calm me by saying that there wasn’t any reason to end her life now, if it was just because of the tumor in her ovary. And because she said this I’m so confused, I feel that no matter what I pick I’m being selfish. If I decide to have her put down now, I am doing it for my own sake to keep from going through watching her get more sick. If I let her stay with us, I will always wonder if I’m only keeping her around for my own sake the days were she might not seem like her good old self….
I can’t believe how much I love this horse, she’s my everything, I would so wish she could help me make my decision easier, like she’s made many of my other great decision over the years. I have cried for three days now and can’t seem to stop, every time I think of her my eyes fills up. Monday night I had this dream where I’m sitting in a chair, wathcing myself sit across from me crying. The crying me is crying hysterically and it’s horrible to hear and watch, I try to stand up and comfort myself but I cant, I can’t get up. So I sid there for what seemed like hours, watching and listening to my self cry my heart out. This is a perfect picture of how it’ll be when she dies, in her I’ve always found comfort because she wouldn’t tell and I could trust her completely, I’ve never trusted any human the way I trust her. So without her to comfort me, I’m either gonna comfort myself or start trusting other people.. Scary thought 😉
I have no idea what to do, two of my friends have told me that I should have her put down now, because it’ll only get worse and it might mess me up to walk around wondering. But then I might always wonder whether she could have lived another four years with no problems. I really hate this. I loathe myself for thinking this but a part of me wish that it’s a malignant tumor, because then the decision would have been made for me, and I would never have to worry. I could just be sad and say goodbye, instead of going through this torture. Well, now I have soaked my shirt and can barely look out of my eyes, so I’ll stop writing… I will take any advice, so please please help me…