So, here I am again. I’ve realised that I’m not very good at studying, actually I’m horrible at it. I have now discipline, non at all and even though I kinda like my current study I’m incapable of reading and doing my homework. I keep pushing the boundaries just to see what I can get away with, why? School stuff have always been rather easy for me, so even though I don’t do my homework I can get by and get average grades. This may seem like a good thing, but as it turns out I’m a grownup with no work ethic what so ever when it comes to school. I want complain about having had it easy in my first twelve years of school, but it is annoying that I’ve never gotten that well whatever it is other people have that makes them do their homework.
It’s sunday night and I have an assignment in Financial Law that I should have turned in back in april, and I’m almost finished but not quite. If I took the time I could be done in an hour, but no I will rather complain about it on my blog than just get it over with. Stupid? Yeah I know.
I’m always pushing deadlines just to see how much I can get away with, it’s silly and stupid because for the last month I’ve been scared to go to my law-classes, I’m afraid of the confrontation I might have with my teacher. This has then ment that I of course have been skipping class and instead worried about what might happen to me. Because that’s the easy solution. Jesus christ…
So, why do I keep punishing myself? Because it is in fact a punishment not to get things done, if I’d been clever I would have written this assignment while all my classmates too were writing it, but instead I choose to be all alone and write it myself without any help. Good call.
But back to the punishment, my therapist thinks that I’m punishing myself because deep down I believe that I don’t deserve to succeed or be happy. That thought scared me, because when I thought about it I punish myself constantly and sometimes without even realising it, so maybe I am being hard on myself because of something I’ve done. Unfortunately I’ve got no glue what it could be, but it does kinda make sense.
Instead of fighting for the things I want, I give up and kick myself while I wonder why I just can’t get it together. I’ve always done this. While I was still competing with my horse, my friends always had to drag me to the stable and all the way until I was at the dressage competition. Now I realise that I was afraid to fail, and it’s easier to throw in the towel before you get your ass kicked. But I’m actually a very competitive person, just ask my mix partner in badminton 😉 So I like competing, but a part of me might think that I don’t deserve to do what I like. Hmm, this might sound weird and confusing, and I’m not even sure I get it myself but when I look at all the things I’ve turned down and the things I’ve walked away from, I realise that I in fact keep myself from doing the stuff I love and instead force myself to do things that’s bad for me.
So instead of going out there doing what I want and maybe fail in the process, I choose to stay in a protective bubble where there’s nowhere to go but down. Whew, those were some big realisations at this late hour, gotta stop drinking on Sundays.
It’s the same when it comes to school, the right and best thing for me would be to go to class and do my homework. But instead I stay home and don’t do my homework, and instead I’m furious with myself all day and then punish myself by not doing things that makes me happy. I might be a little messed up, but I’m working on it 🙂
By this it might sound like I’m unhappy all the time, but I’m really not. Right now I’m happier that I’ve ever been, even though I haven’t been serious about school I’m about to finish my second semester, and that’s two longer than I’ve ever finished before 😉 I can also look forward to a summer with nothing but a little bit of work, music and drinking, and believe me that’s my kind of vacation..
So why did I just write all this crap, feeling sorry for myself, well this blog is sometimes therapy for me. I get to reflect on my thoughts and write them down, my mind is more clear now than it’s been for a long time, and that’s a nice feeling. This was a very personal post, and that’s always hard for me to write and talk about but I need to learn this in order to move on. If you are a regular reader please don’t worry I will not be writing posts like this from now on. Tomorrow I might start working on a new chapter on the polar bear story, those gay guys have been left alone in the cold long enough 😉