I decided that I wouldn’t write about this until I was ready, but today I realised that I’ll never be, so here we go..
So here I am.. Sitting in my apartment wondering what just happened. One moment my beloved horse is beside me grazing and the next she’s dead under a blanket. I’m still not sure it has hit me yet, I might never really realise that she’s gone.
I’m kind of surprised that I didn’t break more than I did, I’ve imagined myself crumble down into thousand little pieces that would take forever to gather. But I didn’t, apparently I’m much stronger than I thought. Of course I cried and today my body gave up half through my work day, I had tried to hide my sorrow and that became too much for me, so I broke. Now I’m lying in bed, planning on playing Heroes of Might and Magic the entire evening, but I had to get this out first.
I still haven’t mentioned that Lise is dead to some of my friends, that would just make it to real. This is much harder to write than I thought, how many tears can a computer keybord handle before it stops working?
I bought Lise when I was twelve, so eleven years ago. With her I realised that I knew very little of horses, she literally made me fall on my ass. I loved her from the first moment I saw, the owner was trying to lay a saddle on her while she was jumping up and down and fighting with all her might. Then when she succeeded I got thrown on the back of this horse, that really wasn’t thrilled about the idea. But she walk around with me, and was behaving. She knew no commandos, and couldn’t be turned or stopped. When I was done I jumped of her while she moved and then I looked into her eyes, they were filled with fear, but there was something. My sister and I still talk about what made us fall in love with her, and it was her eyes, this horse had a spark that I’ve never seen in any other horse and I’m so grateful that she became mine.
Our first years were tough, I knew nothing of horses and Lise had always been owned by men, so this little girl was way to easy to screw over. Lise was very suspicious and didn’t trust easily, just like me. It took me four years for her to really accept me as her owner, but it was so worth the wait. She became the greatest and funniest horse I’ve ever met. When I was younger I always rode other people’s horses and trained them, but I got tired of all of them after a couple of month, but not Lise she was mine and she would always challenge me.
But back to this thursday the decision of having her put down has followed me for about six months, when I found out that the tumor in her ovaries had grown to the size of a handball. I knew that we now had an expiration date and is was coming faster than I could handle.
Six months are a long time, torturing yourself and just waiting for the day that you’re gonna call the vet. And last week I couldn’t wait anymore, it had to be done soon before I would lose my mind.
The days before she was put down was the best that I’ve had in a long time. Some of my dearest friends were with me taking beautiful pictures of us which I’m so grateful for. Thank you guys, you’ve no idea how much it means to me, to have footage of our last perfect days. I cherish that forever.
Our last day was so perfect. I know it sounds weird but it was. I gave her all the food that she could eat, we ran around and because the vet was delayed we spent an hour just watching her graze, I’ve never been so happy for a vet not showing up on time. I’m also so glad that we weren’t alone, my sister was there, my friend Marlene who knew us when we were young and Mette who knew us as “grownups”. Girls, I couldn’t have done it without you, I love you so much.
When the vet finally arrived it all went very fast. I just stood there holding and kissing her head, I tried to say something to her but I just couldn’t, no words could describe how I would miss her. And that’s the best thing about horses, no words are necessary. I just held her, until the vet gave her the final shot and he brought her down. It was all more peaceful and less dramatic than I thought, so thank you very much Niels you are now my favorite vet.
The worst part was that I just didn’t want to let go of her. I wanted to sit next to her forever and just touch her soft fur. Covering her up was hard, because when the final inch of her was covered I knew that I would never see her again.
Even though is was a horrible event, it was a good day. The sun was shining and her last hours were nothing less than perfect. I’m very glad that I did this now instead of waiting, she was a happy horse and she didn’t suffer. It was her time and I’m sure that I did the right thing.
So Lise where ever you are, I love you so much. Because of you I met some of my greatest friends and because of you I became the person I am today. You were the most amazing horse I’ve ever met, and I hope that you enjoyed your time with me as much as I’ve enjoyed my time with you. Bye my love, life without you is not gonna be the same.
So here she is the one and only, Lise 😉
Just click on the pictures to enlarge.