It still hurts

I know that it’s less than two month ago I lost my darling horse, so it’s still very new. But I really didn’t think that I would still cry about loosing her every other day. But I do.

Right now I can barely see the screen because the tears are pouring down my cheeks. I lie here alone in the dark, with a thunderstorm outside in a foreign land and crying.

There’s no one in the house I can go to for comfort, not a big fan of letting strangers see me cry, and my friend from home lives thirty minutes away. Not a journey I’m gonna start during a rather horrifying thunderstorm.

So dear WordPress comfort me.

Today, what brought this on, was that I’m gonna sell my saddle. Starstonestenfalk has found a buyer in the stable, and I’m so grateful for that, because I kinda need the money. But the thought of actually getting rid of one of her things really hurt. I really hadn’t expected this reaction.

Perhabs it’s just because it’s our saddle. One of our major hurdles. When I bought her she had never had a saddle that fit her properly. And this had damaged her back. It didn’t get better by the fact, that the saddle I then bought for her, to was all wrong. Luckily I realised this rather quickly and then we bought this Wintec Isabell Werth. And well then Lise and I could start working together properly.

So, this saddle represents the first problem Lise and I solved together. And I guess that’s why I’m crying. I’m still gonna sell the saddle though, even if I bought a new horse I wouldn’t be able to use this saddle. Because in my eyes it’s Lise’s saddle, so therefore someone else might as well get some use out of it. I think it’s better that it’s out of my life, otherwise I might just look at it all the time and torture myself. I tend to that.

Just to make things worse, I of course had to look through all my photos of her and me. I love that I have those, but I hate the fact that I’m smiling in most of them. I actually would have loved to have one, with me standing beside her crying me eyes out. Because now the only thing I see is an Icequeen to proud to let her guard down, even in front her best friends. Of course I cried, and I have cried in front of all my friends, about Lise. But I don’t have any proof, that I’m not in fact an Icequeen when it comes to my feelings for this horse.

I guess I look happy because it actually was some very good days, but right now, lying here having soaked my pillow completely, I don’t understand how I could even smile a little bit.

I can still see her for my eyes, I remember every Β little weird thing she did, every move, every sound and every sign she gave whenever she was about to misbehave. 11 years of observation, isn’t disappearing that easy, and I’m so happy about that, because one thing I feared was that I was gonna forget her. But on nights like these, I know that I never shall. She was my first love and I still sometimes can’t believe that she isn’t here anymore. It still seems so unreal, but I guess selling the saddle made it all a bit to real.

I just really thought I was prepared, but I guess you never really can prepare yourself for things like that. Β πŸ˜‰

See, I look so happy.. This is taken the day before she was put down, I just don’t get it. All I remember for the past eight months was crying every time I saw her, and well now I have footage where I smile like crazy. It’s a very beautiful picture and I love it, but well right now with swollen eyes, it just seems wrong πŸ˜‰

Another thing regarding the pictures, on most of them both Lise and I look happy. But there are some where Lise’s eyes are just empty. This both kills me and comforts me. It makes it clear that I made the right decision having her put down, but I can’t help but wonder if I should have done it a long time ago. The last six months of her life, it was rather clear that she only lived to please me. I couldn’t see her ill, but she just couldn’t hide it anymore and she changed a lot. So I knew it was time, one day I looked in her eyes in the beginning of june, and her sparkle was gone. In her last days she found it again though, but there are moments where she weren’t able to keep up her act. So all the doubt I’ve had about whether if I had her put down to soon is all gone, it was her time, and I really hope that she doesn’t blame me for it, but well on the other hand she was a girl, so of course she does πŸ˜‰

As said many times before, Lise I love you and I still miss you every single day.

About theevilicequeen

Hi, I'm the only true IceQueen left in the world.. I have passed the exams, and now I'm in control of snow and ice all over the world... It's pretty fucking awesome....
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2 Responses to It still hurts

  1. stenfalk says:

    oh well, you were crying, but you just rode away so we could not take pictures of that… which I kinda think is a good thing. You are the evil icequeen, don’t let your guard down in front of a camera πŸ˜‰

    and I so get why selling the saddle is hard… I have not sold Pikant’s saddle yet πŸ˜‰ He died in 1998… and it does not fit any of the others… but still… he had back problems as well- huge ones- and this saddle was his and mine…

  2. LHK says:

    Oh sweety, I so know how you feel, I was so close not two weeks ago to take the excatly same desicion with Knut, and I was heart broken…!
    But I think there are a couple of pictures I took where you look not so happy as in this one, but I am glad that you love them even though you look happy πŸ™‚ A smile makes better pictures and they proberly wouldn’t have been as good if you had been crying…

    The saddel, oh yes… I remeber selling Knuts dressage saddle, it was kind of hard, seeing what it representaded just fade away… Our dressage carrer end just like that, the saddle I had bought from new, not being mine anymore, the saddle I had been hysterical over for so long being handled by someone else… It was weird driving away leving it behind… I kind of miss that saddel still, sometimes, like now when I am thinking of it… I know you can’t miss a saddel… but I miss what me and Knut were back then, our dressag rides…
    I like our new saddel too, and I love our rides in the forest, but sometimes I would like to turn back time, just for a moment and feel that way again…

    You can allways come a get a ride on one of my horses… allways…!

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