It seems as though everyone around me is getting married, or very close to reach that state in their relationships.
Several from my old school is already married with one or two kids, even though they are only 23 years old. It’s not like I wanna be in their shoes, I still enjoy being young and kid less. But it makes me wonder, when do you know that you’ve met the man you wanna marry?
I’ve always been a hopeless romantic when it comes to weddings. I’ve always loved all the american chickflicks, with the big white weddings and the huge dresses. The georgious diamond ring and the huge wedding cake. The crazy thing is that when I was 10, I knew how my own wedding should be down to every last detail. Except for one, I never wondered about the man. I never thought about the fact that I needed a man with whom I would wanna spend the rest of my life with, I just wanted the wedding. Not even the marriage, just the wedding.
Last week a friend and I went to Tiffany’s just for fun. Always fun to be in a store with security guards on every corner, and jewellery you’ll never be able to afford. There I stood looking at this amazing engagement ring, just a few years ago I would have dreamt about that ring, and started obsessing about weddings all over again. But not this time. I just found it beautiful. I couldn’t even imagine it on my finger.
Have I finally out grown the white-bride fantasy?
So, of course there’s a reason why I all of a sudden starts thinking about these things, and there is. A close friend of mine, who I lived with three years ago is engaged. He wasn’t my boyfriend, just my friend. I’ve known him since I was 7, and we’ve always been very good friends. Until he threw me out of the apartment, right before christmas three years ago. At that time I suffered from rather severe depression, had just dropped out of my dream study, and then I also became homeless.
I have forgiven him by now, because it was the best thing that could ever happen to me. And he had always been extremely nice to me, but mainly because he was in love with me. I didn’t know this when I moved in, but found out and he apparently had been in love with me for years. We talked about it, and I told him that I’ve always seen him as a second big brother, so I could never fall in love with him. We continued living together, and I had a great summer, filled with parties, crabby jobs and sex. He then found a girlfriend, the girl he is now marrying. We all lived together for a while, a very strange situation, and I understand now why they threw me out. But it was just at the worst possible moment. I totally understand why she didn’t want me living there, it makes total sense, it was a very weird arrangement we had going on.
The thing is, I’ve lost a dear friend. I lost him, when she came along. Was he only my friend, because he loved me? I seem to lose my male friends, as soon as they enter a relationship. And the second they get married, they are officially out of my life. I’m so happy for him, and she’s a wonderful girl. But, I still feel a little sad. And now I don’t know if its because I’m now loosing him completely, or because everybody is getting married around me. I’ve lost almost all my backup guys, I only have two left, and well I’m in a relationship now, so hopefully I’ll never need a backup, but it still seems like the official end of something.
Since I was fifteen, I had been partying with my brothers friends including this guy. He had a great apartment in Odense, so we always went there to get drunk. I miss those days, we had so much fun. Just drinking and talking. When he gave up the apartment, this was over, but now that most of these guys are married, it’s seems officially over. And that makes me a bit sad, because it was great times.
So, I have no idea where I’m going with this. I just felt weird about him getting married. And no, it’s not because I’m secretly in love with him. I think it’s because we used to be so close, I knew everything going on in his life, and now he got engaged without me knowing. I miss how close we used to be. Almost every weekend, we had a pre-pre party before the others came, where we talked, played cards and drank tequila. I miss that, I miss having him as my friend, and I guess I hadn’t realised what I’d lost until I found out about his engagement.
Oh okay, I though this post would be about weddings, but apparently not. It moved in another direction, the direction of lost friendships. I thought that I was sad because I wanted to get married, but no I’m sad because I’ve lost a dear friend, my second brother. Kind of a relief actually 😉