Here’s a thing I don’t understand; Why isn’t it okay to cry?
In my family I’ve always been told that it never helps to cry. So, I’ve always been afraid to cry in public even in front of my closest friends and family. And I’ve also been embarrassed every time I’ve started crying, embarrassed about loosing control.
I’ve learned to control my tears, how to suppress it. It has taken me years to develop this skill, and according to my therapist it has begun to cause a problem. I’ve been suppressing my emotions ever since I was a little girl. Staying strong and believing that if I fell apart, my family would fall apart. I loved my childhood, but unfortunately it ended way to soon, due to a lot of stuff happening in our world.
But why wasn’t I allowed to cry?
Last month I figured out why I’m addicted to tragic and sad movies, depressing indie music and books with love stories without happy endings. These things would always make me cry, and it was allowed to cry because of sad movies. I’ve learned so from my mother, she always cry at sad movies, and so do I.
I watch a lot of sad movies and listens to depressing music on purpose, so that I can let out my emotions, without feeling embarrassed.
But there’s one thing that I’ve always been allowed to cry about, and that’s Lise. All of my friends have seen me cry over her. It was accepted. I was allowed to cry. Everybody knew how much I loved and still love her, so I could cry freely every time I talked about her.
Down here in Brussels, I’ve realised that every time I even think about her, I cry. But I don’t think I only cry because of her. I sometimes feel lonely, homesick and sometimes even very sad, but I can’t cry about it. But the second I think of Lise, tears start flowing. She has always been the one too whom I could show my emotions, and now I can only bring out my feeling through her.
My entire life I’ve been told, that it isn’t acceptable to cry. Now, my therapist tells me that I need to cry. Confusing? Little bit..
To my big surprise I cried in front of Henrik last saturday, and not because of Lise. But because my life at that very moment was close to perfect. I felt so happy and I just couldn’t keep up my facade. I felt happy for the first time in years, and I’m so glad that I felt comfortable enough to cry in front of him. There’s only one other guy I’ve cried in front of, and well that wasn’t because of happiness.
Oh, but this post was actually about something horrible that happened today. My sister called telling me that somebody had broken into my apartment. I started crying, and she tells me not to. COME ON! Strangers had invaded my privacy, stolen precious family jewelery, went through all my stuff and I still wasn’t allowed to cry? I really don’t get that, so well I cried. I’ve spent these last months to learn how to cry, and damn it I’m not gonna stop my progress. If I’m sad and my body wants to cry, I’m gonna alow it.
I’m so glad that I’m not in Denmark right now. Strangers has been in my home. It’s so horrifying. I’m very glad that I wont be sleeping there tonight, I wouldn’t dare to close my eyes. Hopefully I will stop feeling like this before I return. Otherwise I will have to find another apartment. But, well there wasn’t that much of value so why should they return?
There is something I will never understand, why is it that I’m never allowed to be happy for more than a couple of days. Every time something good happens, I can be sure that something bad is just around the corner. It has been this way since I was a kid, so I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. And I know that bad things happens to everybody all the time, and that I’m no special case. But it’s every time, something good happens and a few days later something bad happens.
Woops, I’m whining again. I shouldn’t complain, I’m living in Brussels something I’ve always dreamed about, I have the greatest friends in the world, a loving family and a boyfriend, that I don’t wanna run away from. So, things are pretty good, but why should somebody go and break into my apartment!!! It freaks me out and pisses me off.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have written this post while I was still angry and frustrated, but wow it felt sooo good to let it out 😉