Well, I wrote this post a week ago, but has been a little bit caught up, but here it comes:
Yesterday the movie gang and I reunited, after I’ve been away for two and a half month. It felt so great to see the girls again, God I’d missed them. This time we only managed to watch one movie, one of my movies 🙂 The Princess Bride, buhja.. Now, I think I’ve forced all of my friends to watch it, and well I’ve gotten mixed reactions. Some love it, other finds it indifferent and some simply loathe it, they just didn’t get the humor. I think that these girls kind of liked it, or maybe they just feared the worst and when they realised it wasn’t completely terrible, they could appreciate the spirit of the movie.
But, I’ve written about the Princess Bride, so I wont do so again, instead I’ll write about horses. With these girls, our horses have always been something we can talk about for hours, like we did yesterday. I love that, but something is different, I’m now the girl without a horse.
I don’t collect any new horse stories at the moment, and they’ve heard all my old ones. So, this is something I’m gonna have to accept. But I found myself missing Lise, all over again.
I was asked if I wanted a ride on one of the girls horses. A part of me couldn’t think of anything I would rather do, but then I felt a knot in my stomach and my eyes started to tear up a bit. I just can’t.
On one hand I miss having a horse, but right now I also have more freedom than I’ve ever had, since I bought Lise in 2000. I can do whatever I want, and actually that’s what I’m currently doing, studying in Brussels. That truly is a dream coming true. But I sometimes do regret what I’ve given up to do so.
I will always feel torn on this subject. If I’d never wanted to study abroad, I would have bought a second horse years ago. But because I always felt that I needed to escape somehow, I didn’t. And now leaving me without a horse, and a fear that it might take many years before I’m ready to find a new horse.
I know it sounds very stupid. And I could say that it might take years before I’m ready to love again. I loved her so much, and still do. When I arrived home this friday, the first thing I saw in my apartment was this beautiful picture of Lise, taken the day before she died. I relived the entire thing all over again. Torturing myself by watching old photo’s from when we were young and fearless.
I hate that I keep torturing myself, but I need to feel the pain. Every time I cry over her, I feel that I get one step closer, to really forgiving myself. I’m still far from, but hopefully I’ll get there.
The thing is, if I hadn’t had the need to escape my world and run of too Brussels, I would have had a second horse. Not that I wouldn’t have cried any less about loosing Lise, and it wouldn’t have made it easier or anything. But I probably would have fallen in love with this new horse also. So, that I had learned to care for another horse than Lise. But I didn’t.
I have looked after many horses, I’ve ridden many horses and I have liked many horses, but I have only loved one. Lise is still the only horse that I want. In spite all of her and mine and our combined flaws, we were amazing. If I’ve had my priorities straight, we could have won lots of show jumping competion’s and spend much more time together. But as was said yesterday, time goes by so fast. I always thought that Lise and I had all the time we needed, for both of us to heal and get control of our heads. Lise got there, but unfortunately I couldn’t keep up.
I know that there’s no point in regretting my actions. I can only try to do better the next time around. But I think of all those days I didn’t have the energy to go care for her, and all those days where I just fed her and left. Why did she have to suffer for my illness? It hardly seems fair. The moment she was “fixed” I fell apart. We had one truly good year together, out of ten where we were both truly fine.
I appreciate every second I ever spend with that horse, wishing that I would have spent more. I treasure both the good year and the bad years where one of us was constantly under the weather one way or another. Of course after 2004 it was mostly my head, that was the problem, and now I wish that I would have seeked help before. Or just realised that it wasn’t okay to be as miserable as I was. If I’d done that, well who know what might have been.
I’ll stop now.
I’m pretty sure that there’ll come about a hundred more of these posts, but every time I write one I realise something new about Lise. And this if for me the easiest way to get in touch with my feelings, and heal a little bit at the same time. And I believe that my mind and body needs the tears.
To my dear girls in the movie gang: I know that I whine on this blog. Right now it’s hard to hear all the talk about horses, but I’m sure that it makes me heal quicker. I love you all…