So, I’ve been in Denmark for the past week. Helping my family preparing for their annual christmas market. It has become a huge success and therefore it has come to require a lot of work. So I came home to help out. Luckily things were pretty much under control, so I got to spend time with most of my friends. Wow, I needed that. In Brussels I only have one friend from Denmark and she’s starting to get on my nerves. And even though the other erasmus students are very nice, I just can’t find the energy to work on those relationships.
So I’ve spent many hours alone, in these last past weeks. But, this week I’ve rarely been alone and it has been grand. I have seen almost all my friends and I now realise how much I have truly missed them. How I have been able to survive without them for over two month is a huge mystery.
But actually I wanted to write about something entirely different. After having spend most of my week at either my parents house or Henrik’s, I finally arrived at my apartment Sunday evening with Henrik. Naturally I wanted to empty my mailbox, and when I opened the lid I saw something that made my heart skip a beat. The only thing in there was a reminder from my vet that Lise needs her yearly vaccinations.
Ouch.. I started crying instantly.
A reminder? It just all seemed so cruel. I hadn’t thought about Lise all day, and it seemed that I received this letter as a punishment for my forgetfulness. It was lying there mocking my pain.
I know that it’s my own fault that I received it, because the vet that put Lise down forgot to send me the bill. So, I’m guessing that it isn’t in their system that Lise is dead. I should call them, receive my bill and get on with it. But, the first thought I had when I saw the letter wasn’t pain, I though that maybe it was all just some crazy dream. For a second Lise was alive, but quickly I realised the truth and cried my eyes out.
I’m so glad that Henrik was there to take care of me. And to stop me from looking at my old pictures once again. I both love and hate that I’m able to cry in front of him, and completely fall apart. It’s scary. But he truly loves me, and doesn’t think I’m crazy because I keep crying over Lise and hug my teddy bears. Or if he does then he certainly hides it well 😉
It took a lot of guts for me to tell him about Lise, because I knew that I would break into a thousand pieces. But, I knew I had to since I cry over her all the time. He tells me that he understands why I’m sad, and how much Lise meant to me. He’s been through some horrible thing in his life, and he didn’t have anybody to turn too. I always had Lise, but I guess now I have him. And that’s a huge comfort.
Hmm, this post certainly has taken a different direction than intended, but I’ll go with it. Henrik and I had our first date the day after I had Lise put down. I still have no idea, how I was even able to get through it without crying and come of as a normal human being. That day I wasn’t myself at all. I was the me, who hide behind layers of armor and doesn’t let anybody see the sad girl behind it all.
Henrik liked me that day. I kept up my armor for few more days, but then I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted this man to know the real me. So, I broke down, right there in front of him and I’m pretty sure that was the moment he realised that he loved me. I didn’t realise that I loved him until the second time I cried my eyes out in front of him. Because at that moment I knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.
I have told him all my secrets, some I haven’t even told my sister and some of my friends. He knows about ex-boyfriends, family stuff, depression and Jesper. I’ve told him everything and he’s still here, I never thought that I could find a man who wouldn’t run away as soon as I revealed my flaws. But for now it looks as if I have. Lucky me. 🙂