Under pressure

Sometimes I’m sick of life..

As I’ve complained about in earlier posts, I never seem to be happy for more than five minutes.. And well I have found a boyfriend who’s just as unlucky as me.. So, we’re lucky if we get one sunny day..

I will not write about his problems, since they are not mine to tell..

But I had barely returned from Brussels before my grandmother was put in the hospital.. This is the woman who was taking care of me every afternoon while I was a child, so I was rather devastated.. Luckily she bounced back, she’s one touch brat… But when I was visiting her two weeks ago, she looked so tired and worn down.. This sight still haunts me.. I love her so dearly and our family can’t function without her..

Then my uncle who suffers from very bad arthritis, got even more sick.. He is a copy of my dear brother, mentally.. He’s my godfather and even though I rarely see him, I have this weird relationship with him.. I’ve never talked with him about his illness, because he’s been sick as long as I remember.. But, every time he feels bad I get sad. Perhaps because I can see in my grandmothers eyes, how much it hurts her to see her only son sick..

As you can see my family has a history of taking others problems to ourselves.. But I guess it’s genetic.. I know that I wine right know, and that these things shouldn’t get to me this way. But they do… It’s part of me to care and worry to much…

But, my actual concern and the reason for this post is my father..

My hero.

He and I have had our issues, but he’s the one I can always discuss politics, history and movies with.. He has been through so much crab, going bankrupt, being sued by assholes, breaking his back, constantly fighting to keep his private architecture firm afloat and fighting through cancer..

He should catch a break. He’s always so strong and brave, he deserves a sunny day..

Two weeks ago he fell and broke his arm and crushed his shoulder. His right arm, the arm my family’s future depend on.. I will explain later.. He had to wait two weeks before he could be operated, everything went fine.. Apparently.. The hospital send him home after only four days, and he got worse and worse everyday..

Seeing my father lying there, unable to speak and move, was the worst sight I’ve ever seen.. My superman could break. I just can’t handle that.

So, today they found out that the thing they put in his shoulder wasn’t totally sterilized, so his entire shoulder is infected. And he needs a second operation this Monday..

He suffers from diabetes and because of this, it’s much more difficult for a wound heal.. Because he very overweight there’s also higher risks when your put under full anesthesia.

I know that everything probably’s gonna be fine, but I can’t help but worry… It’s hard to see my mother fighting to stay strong, and I can see in her eyes that she’s about to break.. She knows that she can’t because without her, our family can’t function..

But even worse if my father loose his ability to work, my brother would probably loose our farm. It can’t function financially without our fathers architecture firm..

I’m the only one of my siblings whos economy doesn’t depend on dad. I’m glad that I don’t, but still our family would fall apart without him.

I’m terrified and I can barely focus on writing this. Yesterday I sat starring into the wall while getting drunk, until a friend came to the rescue.. Thanks Ditte, I don’t know how you did it but thanks for making me smile.

I will not be a pessimist, but it helps a bit to imagine worst case scenario, then I can be prepared for that while wishing for the best..

Phew it helped to get this of my chest.

Dad, please fight through this one too.. Please be your stubborn self. I love you, which I know I haven’t said enough..

About theevilicequeen

Hi, I'm the only true IceQueen left in the world.. I have passed the exams, and now I'm in control of snow and ice all over the world... It's pretty fucking awesome....
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1 Response to Under pressure

  1. stenfalk says:

    okay, lots of things I don’t get here, but I think I should just say, I hope your dad gets better sweety…

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