On this cloudy and rainy day, she wondered why she even wanted to go.. Her mind was grey and filled with sadness and lack of energy. When her feet hit the floor and she pushed herself up, she could feel a spiking pain all the way from her neck to her feet. Yet another day that starts like this.
As yesterday she use all that’s left of her energy to hide her pain. Tears are pressing against the eyelids with every step. Tears where always frowned upon in her family, so this skill was very well developed.
She throws down two cups of coffee and walks out the door, once again wondering why on earth she was going anyway. What could she gain? Was she doing it for herself, or so she could get rid of the guilt?
She looked at her bicycle, wondering if she enough time to walk. She had always hated riding a bike, to many bad memories and pain. Wherever she looked everything seemed to remind her of all the bad stuff that’s happened. Her mind was to foggy to see the sun shining through the disappearing clouds.
As the sunlight hit her face she felt nothing, her body couldn’t obtain the warmth and the comforting the sun tried to provide. She lid a cigaret. Took a huge drag and felt nothing, cigarettes didn’t do anything for her anymore, she just smoked them out of habit and because they might put an end to her suffering.
While walking on the roadside she saw a dead bird lying there, it was ripped apart. It didn’t look like it had been attacked by an animal, no it had been tortured by the tires on the cars that drives by in haste. While looking at the cadaver she wondered why this sight of death made her feel alive. Why the end of something made her think of the future.
She walked on towards her dreaded destination, still in doubt why she’s even up. Now she thought of her future, the future that she had rarely cared for. Where did she truly wanna end up? What’s her dream?
To her great horror she realised that there wasn’t any dreams left. They had all been brutally murdered by her pragmatic brain. As a child she’d had every possibility to do whatever she wanted. But now, she once again found herselves lost and the mind once again goes foggy.
She stood still for a moment waiting for the world to disappear once more, for her mind to go grey. She walked through a small park with tall blooming oak trees, green grass and a risling river. Her shadow shortened, the sun had finally overrun the clouds.
One more road to cross.
She could see it in front of her and she could feel a chill down her spine.
There it was, her school…
Never being able to see the beauty in things, she was surprised by feeling the bad. A tears found its way down her cheek, it just shouldn’t be this hard to walk through a door. This building was responsible for how her future would shape, by crossing the threshold she could gain so much, finally become something and someone. But as more tears started pressing, she turned her head and looked towards the park, it had turned green..