So, here I am yet again, screwed. Lost and uncertain about what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I have skipped so many classes that I doubt I’ll survive the exams this summer. Next fall I’m suppose to start a five month internship, and well I have non. I have sent out numerous applications, but because I was the last to send all the spots are taken. Well, of course not all of them I’m sure that there are some left, but I just can’t stand getting anymore rejections. Being rejected for a job I don’t really want. That sucks.
I’m always complaining because of my studies and I have already dropped out of three, so I’m not sure that my mind can handle a fourth. I could probably finish this somehow, but I’ve reached a point where I start crying every time I’m about to walk out the door towards the school, it shouldn’t be like that. School is never fun and I’ve never been good at it, but it shouldn’t be like this. I’m miserable and lost. I see that now.
I’m split two ways, my love life is great and I’m living with the man I love. My relationship with my friends and family is perfect. And when I’m with the people I love, life is good. But, then my “professional” life that makes me so sad, that it almost outshines the good things, and I wont allow that. I just wont.
Yet again I need to reflect over my life, what the fuck I should do now. My options are the following:
1. Suck it up, and work my ass off finishing this study. Hopefully without loosing my mind.
2. Take a leave, and start over with my fourth term next january. This would put me back a year, and I would have to find a job or something.
3. Just quit the study and well find something else to do.
The first option is the best one, but I don’t know if I have the strength. Right now, I’m crying just by the thought of doing so. If it weren’t for my pragmatic nature I would have already deleted this option. My second option is my favourite, it would be nice to take a break. Breathe and enjoy myself. But yet again there’s the money, and I hate having to worry about money. I simply hate it.
Well, the third option is not really an option. It would be stupid throwing three semesters out the window. Just stupid. I will not do this unless it turns out that it’s my only option. Which unfortunately it might very well be.
I’m calling my shrink on monday and is gonna talk with my student counsellor, hopefully either one of them can help me work out a solution.
So, I’m sorry for complaining yet again. I’m blessed by so many wonderful things and I have all the possibilities to make something of myself, but I just don’t seem to have the energy to do so. I keep longing for things to be over, I’ve felt that way for years now and it just seems silly waiting for parts of your life to be over. It shouldn’t be like that. Of course there’s always tough times that you are fighting your way through, and just want to end. But, it seems like I’ve been waiting for things to be over for the last eight years. And I can’t know for sure, but I think that life shouldn’t be like that. I’m always waiting for things to be over, is there people who enjoy their lives? And is living in the moment? And if yes, can I get a lesson?
I will figure this out. I’ve been through much worse so this is nothing, and now I have the love and support from my boyfriend. Now, I just need to use him. Even though I love and trust him, I’m still having a hard time sharing stuff like that with him. I’m used to handle things in my own head, and when I just can’t handle one more thought I call my sister and she saves me. But, I should give him a chance to be the one that saves me, even though I’m not keen on giving him that kind of power. My sister could never leave me, my boyfriend could. I don’t think he would, but just the chance of him leaving is enough to make me shut down. I will talk to him when he gets home, I have to. He has this weird way of knowing what’s best for me, before I know it myself.
Yet again I need to figure out what to do. Yet again. Wish me luck.