Yesterday I started thinking about what I truly want out of life. I asked myself; What do I want? This question turned out to be much harder than anticipated. I used to want a high maintenance career, a small farm, kids, horses, a husband and money for vacations. Well, yesterday I realised that this would never be realistic.
I don’t want to have children only to leave them at daycare ten hours a day, I don’t want that. I don’t wanna spend all my free time on maintaining a farm. I don’t want horses that I don’t have time for. I don’t want a husband I only see at night, when we sleep.
So, what can I change?
My dream of having kids? No, I want children, I really do. It’s a rather new dream, but a dream that has to come true.
My dream of a husband? Well, in my world kids and a husband go hand in hand. I know that it might sound rather old school, but I don’t think that I would survive being a single mom. I admire those women who want a child and then get one, on their own. I think that it is very brave. But, I only want children if I have a man to have them with.
My dream of horses? Well, I can’t give that up. I might have to adjust it a little to one or two horses, instead of my own stable. But I’m okay with that. The only thing I know is that I need to have a horse in my life.
My dream of a farm? Yes, this one I’m slowly adjusting myself to give up. I don’t wanna sit with a huge mortgage and be in debt the rest of my life. Then I’d rather live in a small cosy house that I can afford.
My dream of a career? Yes, I realised that I don’t want my life to be my work. I want a job that I don’t hate, that gives me free time and economical freedom. I wanna come home in the afternoon and play with my kids.
My priorities have changed and I’m glad that they have. I have made a list of some things that I hope to experience before I die. Here goes:
– Have kids
– Own a horse again
– Get married
– Celebrate silver wedding (25 years)
– Visit the United States and Canada
– Visit Vienna, Barcelona, Madrid
– Revisit: Brussels, London, Berlin, Alicante, Paris, Malaga, Rome, Florence.
– Have a three-day vacation in Disneyland Paris
– Visit the a Disneypark in USA
– See a Killer whale
– Buy my own dog
– Own a house
– Finish my current education
– Learn French, Italian or Spanish properly
– Live a happy life 🙂
Many of these dreams might sound silly, especially the travel ones, but I love to travel and it’s always great to revisit places. Then you have seen all the tourist sites, and you experience the city in a whole new way the second time around. The Disneyland dreams I can’t explain, I just loved the way I felt walking around in Disneyland Paris, and I really wanna feel that way again.
It’s so great to have dreams again. Back in 2008 when my depression was at its highest, I had none. I didn’t want anything, I just wanted to disappear and never be found. Back then I wouldn’t have been able to write this post, I couldn’t even think of the future because I couldn’t handle the present.
My life isn’t as bad as I thought. I guess. 🙂