Three days ago I had an oral examination. It was in several subjects and a tough one. This semester I have barely been to school and I’ve barely read anything, so of course I knew that there was no chance that I would do great. I feared that I might fail, but I honestly didn’t think I would.
I’m good at oral exams, I have never failed. I have always been able to talk my way out of most things. But not this one. I failed. I had never imagined that it would hurt so bad. I felt like I failed so much more than an exam, I felt like I had failed life. I keep failing everything and when I walked home from school that day, I couldn’t handle anymore. Couldn’t handle more bad things, couldn’t handle more failures.
So, I ran home to my bed with a bag of chips. Trying to find comfort in whatever television shows there were to watch. I lay there, too embarrassed to write my mother and my boyfriend. I did eventually, but only because they both send me some very worried text messages.
Then my mother started calling me. I simply couldn’t handle to talk to anyone, so I screened and put my phone away. She called twice more and I continued ignoring her calls. Well knowing that she would probably be going crazy by know.
Then she send a message “Please call, grandmother has been moved to a hospice and it’s going fast now.” I was so mad at myself, I knew grandmother was sick and dying, how could have ignored my calls? I just wanted to kick myself, but instead I broke down. I cried hysterically for hours, I simply couldn’t stop.
My grandmother has always been a huge part of my life. She took care of me, she was the one who always wanted to play with me. She couldn’t get mad, I have never met a person so patience. She was so amazing.
The rest of the evening was horrible, sitting there waiting for the final phone call. The one that would tell me, that I’d lost my grandmother. She died at 11.23 PM, she died in her sleep and peacefully. The way she deserved. She hadn’t been sick for that long, so I’m glad that things went fast.
Even though I’m so not ready to say goodbye. But, tomorrow there’s a funeral. A funeral that I’ve dreaded ever since I as a kid realised that we are all going to die.
Grandmother, bye bye. I never got the chance to tell you how much you’ve meant to me and know you’ll never know. I’m sorry. You were truly an amazing person, if only more people were like you. I love you and I’ll miss you dearly. I’ll miss your buns, they are the best I’ve ever tasted.
Tomorrow I’ll say my final goodbyes, I better go buy some tissues.