Wow, I’m so not ready to write about this.. But it’s been eleven days and I kinda have to…
As you might know my father died on the 28th November. It was a huge shock, because he wasn’t really sick…
I was sitting by my computer doing well nothing, when I heard my boyfrien in the kitched saying ‘Will you please repeat that?’ then I heard him crying. I thought that it probably was his mom or something, because she’s been very sick. I run to the kitchen and starts hugging him, while he’s still on the phone… I’m so dreading what he might say.
He looks at me with a horrified look, that I’ve never seen before. Then he says that my father is dead… I just scream. That’s what I remember, screaming. Screaming and feeling that my heart was ripped in pieces. My entire body was aching, every inch of me was screaming…
I fall to the floor and then I cry. I just cry and thinking no it’s not true. Then we had to drive home to my family. I remember that I couldn’t walk, my legs was like jelly and my boyfriend practically carried me to the car..
Then started the longest drive I’ve ever experienced. It’s only at twenty minute drive, but it felt like hours. A part of me couldn’t get home quickly enough, and another part of me just wanted to stop. I was dreading what was waiting for me back home.
When I got home my father had been picked up by an ambulance. That was I relief, I really didn’t want to see him. I feared that the image would haunt me forever.
It was my mother who found him lying on the bathroom floor. Luckily she wasn’t alone, my sister was there. The paramedics said that he had been dead for about six hours. That was horrible to hear, I feared that he had been lying there slowly dying, all alone… But, that wasn’t the case his brain had just bled out and he was dead, before he even hit the floor. That was a weird relief.
When I entered the front door everything felt off. Three dear friends of the family was there. I was so glad that we weren’t all alone. I enter the kitchen and there’s my brother, completely broken. When he sees me he jumps up and hugs me. None of us can let go, so we just stand there.
Then I see my mother, oh she’s had so much pain in her eyes. We hugged and I just felt this knot in my stomach. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna vomit or what. I went back into the hall and sat down next to our dog. She crawled into my lap and there we sat.. I couldn’t handle people, I rarely can when I’m truly heartbroken. Dogs and horses are the greatest to comfort you. Unfortunately on this day our dear dog couldn’t do anything, we were all inconsolable.
When I was able to let go of the poor dog, I went back to the kitchen. I sat down and there we all sat, quietly starring into the air. Nobody dared to speak, because what can you say in situations like this? When a sixty-two year old man just dies out of nowhere.
I really needed to write this, think it all through. My plan was to write about the funeral, but I guess I had to write this first.
Dear Father. We are all doing okay. We miss you like crazy, but we are trying to move on. I have much fewer breakdowns now, only a couple a day. I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how much I need your advice right now. I’ll miss your wisdom for the rest of my life…
To my readers, I’m sorry that I can’t write about something else. But, this is the only thing on my mind at the moment, so it’ll probably be a while. I still need to write about the funeral.