This is going to be very weird, me writing a post about not being able to write. But, I’m going to.
My mind is constantly writing posts for my blog, actually every single thought I am forming in my head to fit my blog. Then when I sit down planning to write it, I can’t. My head is so filled up that I need to write just to clear out some of the clutter, but I can’t gather my thoughts long enough to get them on paper. I hate this. All my life I have always turned to writing whenever the world seemed like too much. I’m always forming my thoughts to a poem, a short story or a diary. Then my thoughts would get out of my mind and live on paper. That’s why it’s rather horrible for me not being able to write it out.
As you might know I lost my only sixty-two year old father on November 28th. This has messed me up quite a bit.
There it is again, I can’t concentrate anymore. About ten lines and then I simply can’t focus. It feels like my brain is about to explode and I simply can’t empty it. That’s when I get one those damned bad days. At the moment I’m having surprisingly many good days, I only cry before I go to sleep, but that isn’t something new. I’ve done that ever since I had my dear horse Lise put down on July 28th 2011. Losing her broke my heart and I have been crying for almost every night, now I’m simply crying for two. Back to those bad days. Bad days are different for everybody, I simply ache. My entire body decides that I should stay in fetal position all day and then that’s what I do. This might seem very unproductive, but I simply can’t do anything. Every inch of my body aches, my boyfriend got quite a shock the first time, because he couldn’t even touch me. I knew that it isn’t a physical thing, it’s all mental.
I might seem like quite a weirdo by now, but well that’s just me.
I’m writing this because I need to. It’s already helping me clearing my head.
One of the reasons why I’m having such hard time writing, is because it simply seems pointless and silly. I lost my father, my biggest hero in the world and a great friend. Why is life even continuing? It shouldn’t, it makes no sense that people just live on and continue their humdrum lives. The world should stop, mourn the loss of a great man, how dare it continue turning when I’m not ready to follow.
My father died from a bleed in the brain, he was dead before he even hit the floor. So, there was nothing anyone could have done. The autopsy told that his high blood pressure was the reason for his death. Then there was something someone could have done. My father’s doctor, Lars had the week before send him home telling him that he had high blood pressure, but there was no reason to do anything about it. My father had come home that day telling my mother that he wanted another doctor; because he felt that he no longer cared. Then a week later he’s dead. The day before my father died he had spent all day arguing with the hospital regarding an operation in his shoulder. This operation was called urgent in his journal, but still they couldn’t fit him in until late February. Being in much pain he got extremely angry and argued all day, until they gave him a time on December 12. I’m sure that being so stressed and outraged has been the main reason for him dying the next day. With a high maltreated blood pressure and having to try and talk sense into the public hospital system in Denmark, his body simply couldn’t handle the pressure.
My family and I have decided to sue. If probably won’t help, but this whole thing makes me so furious that I need to do something.
I know that doctors work hard and all that, but they should have treated my father better. When you have a person with high blood pressure you test different kinds of medicine and combinations until you find something that works. My father was overweight for a long time, but he wasn’t this last year. His doctor could have helped him and quite possibly saved him. Many envy Denmark because of the free healthcare system, but are it worth much? I’m getting a healthcare insurance, so I can go to a private hospital if I should get sick. I can’t afford it this year, so fingers crossed I won’t break.
In 2012 I have spent way too much time in hospitals. First my father who broke his arm and shoulder, then my one grandmother was hospitalized a million times before she died, then my other grandmother got breast cancer and last my mother in-law was hospitalized because of very bad pneumonia.
So I’ve seen the hospital system from the inside and it aren’t pretty. My grandmother Irene, who died was hospitalized and three times they were about to give her the wrong pills. On the label it would say Irene Jensen and my grandmother’s name was Irene Hansen. Can’t people read? One time okay, it can happen, but three? She was eighty-four and sick, she shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not she would get the right pills.
Then my father. He had a broken arm and shoulder, meaning he had only one functioning arm. Did they help him eat? No. Okay, fair enough they didn’t have time to help the one armed man eat; they could at least give him something you can eat with one hand. He requested a ham/cheese sandwich and they didn’t have that. Are you kidding me, no sandwiches? It’s easy and cheap to make, and it just sounds weird that they didn’t even have that. Because he’s diabetic he couldn’t get any dessert, again WHAT? In a hospital full of old people I’m guessing that there are several patients whose diabetic. Is it really that difficult to bake a sugar free cake? I’ve done it and really isn’t. Then as an afternoon snack they gave him digestive cookies and grapes. Again are you kidding me? Two things, which is ridiculously high on sugar. You’d think that a hospital would know that too much sugar isn’t good for a diabetic patient, but I guess not.
Then my other grandmother Alice. She was treated really well, had a private room, nice doctors, she got great treatment. But, breast cancer is a high priority disease. They get money from various cancer funds, plus there’s lots of focus on the disease. As a woman with a family of breast cancer I’m very happy about this. That was a positive experience with the health care system.
Them my mother in law, Inge. She was admitted after long time of being sick from what seemed to be pneumonia. They admitted her and feared that maybe it was lung cancer. She had been admitted earlier in 2012 and treated for cancer. Luckily it was only pneumonia, but she was admitted for two weeks, shifted room four or five times and the room she was in was a two-people, but there were three people. The first time she was admitted and treated for cancer everything was fine. But the second time, well not so good. She didn’t get better until she came home.
I know that the hospitals probably don’t get enough money, but then again I can easily cut down on several things. First of every single day there’s temporary nurses, stepping in for sick. These temporary nurses get double the salary. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out that if you just took all the money spend on tempts, and divided them with what a fulltime nurse gets, then you just hire fulltime nurses instead. Then there are more hands without costing more, than it already does.
Then there are the head doctors. A friend of mines father is leader of a department and sometimes he got 100.000 Dkr (Danish crones) for a month’s work. That’s about 13.500 Euro. Crazy? Yeah I’ll say. Again I know that they’ve taken a long education and works hard, but it seems out of proportions. It really does.
Wow, I can write. I guess I just needs to write about stuff that’s pissing me off, clearly that helps.