I’m in a committed relationship with the love of my life. I have no doubt that we’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together. Terrifying? Yeah…Usually I was never in a relationship for more than a couple of months, then I ran for the hills. I rarely had a good reason, I just felt trapped and that I couldn’t breath. For a long time I had huge regrets about one of the guys I threw away. The others were, well in lack of a better word idiots. But, one always haunted my mind. We hooked up at this little party a friend of mine was having, I was so drunk that I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. They put me to bed and I dreamed that I was kissing this guy, then I woke up and realised that I was. Boy, was I drunk.
He was sweet. Maybe to sweet. But, he completely melted my heart when I saw an image of him stand with his forehead against my horse, Lise’s head. That was beyond adorable. The “relationship” didn’t last long. I felt trapped and ran away. I’m pretty sure that I hurt him rather badly, and I’m truly sorry for that. I was such a coward and broke it of over the phone, I couldn’t even do it face to face.
Years later I regretted my decision to run away, because I actually thought that we could have lived happily ever after. I’ve only seen him a couple of times since and it has always been super awkward, because it ended so weird. I should have taken the confrontation back then, allowed him to yell at me or tell me not to go. So, that we could have layed our cards on the table and talked the whole thing through. That’s probably the healthy thing to do, but I’m so scared of confrontations that I simply can’t.
But, we just weren’t meant to be together. He’s now married and has a kid. I’m so glad that he got a child, that was one of his biggest dreams.
I’m with the man I am going to marry. I finally found him. The ghosts of my past will haunt me forever, but I no longer wonder: “What if?” I simply think of our time together and hope that they are happy wherever they are. Well, there are some that I hope burns in hell because of the way they’ve treated me, those who I never wish to met again and if I ever do I hope that I’m strong enough to hit them hard in the balls.
Sorry, can’t be all sweet and cotton-candy like for an entire post 😉
I’m pretty sure that I had a totally different agenda with this post. But, the mind works in mysterious ways. I’m just finding myself in a very happy place. With two lovely horses, a sweet and loving family and a boyfriend who spoils me and is good to and for me. I have always had a habit of changing myself a bit to please others, but now I am with a man who truly loves me for me. A part of me doubted if I ever would be able to find someone who would, because I can be pretty horrible at times. But, I did it. I love him and I don’t wanna run.
I have mostly written sad and depressed posts for a long time. 2012 wasn’t kind, and loosing my father nearly destroyed me. Now, the world looks brighter, and I’m scared of even thinking that things might be looking up, because whenever I do the world attacks me from behind. But, I’ll stay positive. 2013 is going to be a good year. It simply has to.