A bunch of thoughts

This week I’m back at school, this means that I finally have all the time in the world to write. Because I’m not listening even a little bit, it’s just plain boring and silly. But, I’m here and I have time to write which is something I’ve missed having time for.

I had a plan that I would finally finish my review of Les Miserable, well this is not happening. I simply can’t write the recap, the story is hopeless and long. So, that review will probably forever stay a draft. I would love to write it, but by now I have forgotten most of the movie and I’m not in the mood for reading up on the story.. No no. I’m lazy like that.

Yesterday I realized that I have completely forgotten to write about a huge thing that has happened to me. I’M ENGAGED. My boyfriend proposed to me on the 15th of August. So, I’m finally getting married. He proposed on a Thursday on the day of our annual anniversary. I had been away all day, seeing a musical with my family. I returned home at 23:45 and my boyfriend was still awake. This surprised a bit, because he usually go to bed early. We then just sat and talked for bit, until he stood up and walked into the kitchen. He returned with lots of red roses, he gave them to me and said happy anniversary. I was so happy I had completely forgotten everything about it, so just the fact that he remembered was huge. Then he got down on one knee and proposed. I of course said yes.

He makes me so happy, and I’m so glad that he wants to marry me. He wants to marry me, not the perfect version of me. Just me, with all the problems and chaos that follows. I’m a very lucky girl.

The only problem is that someone is missing. My father. No matter how happy I get about stuff, I get equally as sad at the same time, because my father isn’t there. On my wedding day I always dreamed that my father would walk me down the aisle. Now, this dream is destroyed. I know that it’s silly, but my wedding has been something I’ve dreamed about ever since I was a little girl. I want my fairytale, even if it’s just one day. I’ve been miserable for a huge part of my life and I always dreamed of this one happy day, and now it can never be truly happy. When I walk down the aisle with my brother, I know I’ll will be sad.

Okay, so not the post I should write surrounded by people in a classroom, I hope they don’t see the tears in my eyes.

I’ll stop whining now, because I know that it’s stupid. People struggle around the world with deadly illness, hunger and war in their country. My wedding worries seems rather insignificant.

I’m getting married. And to the right guy, that should be enough right?

Another thing that occupies my mind is that my fiancée and I has started looking for a new place to live. We live in a small rented apartment. It has been going great actually, I never thought that I could live with anyone without my own room, were I could close the door. I have survived for a year and a half, but now I’m beginning to feel the need to move on. I want something bigger. A place where I can have an office, where I can write whenever I want. These days I need to pack away all my stuff away every time. That doesn’t work very well for me.

So, we are looking at a house in the country. Perhaps even with space for my two horses, and maybe even space for a third 😉 I have made a budget for us, so now I just need to make an appointment with my bank. Hopefully they’ll alow to loan the money we need for our dream house. But, we’ll see. I’m quite excited.

I really needed this to look forward to, because I’m now entering a minefield of sad “anniversaries”. On the 22nd october my father should have turned 63. On 28th november he died and on the 5th december we had his funeral. Again I know I shouldn’t torture myself with remembering these days, but that’s just how my mind works. I will never forget the day he died, the funeral and his birthday. These three days will haunt me forever. A part of me want them to, I need them. I need these days to grief. I’m being so strong in my every day life, trying to keep myself together. I need these three days where I can allow myself to fall apart. I really do.

I actually live a pretty nice little life. I love my family, my horses, my fiancée, my dog and my friends. I am working on focusing on the good things during the day, this blog is just my space to get rid of all the bad stuff.

Perhaps I should listen to the teacher, just for a few minutes.


About theevilicequeen

Hi, I'm the only true IceQueen left in the world.. I have passed the exams, and now I'm in control of snow and ice all over the world... It's pretty fucking awesome....
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2 Responses to A bunch of thoughts

  1. Starstone says:

    oh no, don’t you dare! Never listen to your teacher!
    And of course you’ll miss your dad on your wedding day, but don’t be sad in advance, please… and congratulations on the engagement 😉 Looking forward to see your new house 🙂

  2. Thanks darling … I’ll try my very best not to be sad in advance.. I know that it is incredibly stupid, but I’m having a hard time not being sad..

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