Two years ago

Two years ago I said goodbye to my best friend, my horse Lise.
She was put down due to ovary cancer, her tumor was the size of a handball. There was nothing I could do, but have her put down.
Technically we could have operated on her but she was 19, so chances where that she wouldn’t survive such an invasive surgery, therefore I decided to spare her of the stress and pain of a surgery.

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It was so hard to make the final call, because Lise seemed fine when I came she was happy and herself. A dear friend told me that the moment I left she changed and just stood still looking sad. This information changed things for me, I never wanted my horse to become a shadow of her amazing self. Nothing was worth that.

The day I called the vet Lise had changed even towards me. When I put her in the pasture she just turned and looked at me, I drove of but I could see that she continued to look for me. Lise never did that. When she was put on the pasture she would walk a lap and threaten all the other horses, just show them who was the boss. So, that she did this was unacceptable.

I called the vet that same afternoon. I didn’t even make home and stopped at I grocery store and called the vet from the parking lot.

Lise was put down on a sunny Thursday afternoon, surrounded by friends. There was three people I needed to be there, my sister because she was the one who was with me when we bought her. My childhood friend Marlene who was with us from the beginning through all the hard times. Last but not least my friend Mette, who had helped us for many years. She had taken care of Lise every time I couldn’t come to the stable and helped me overcome my fear of showjumping.

I owe so much to these three people Lise and I wouldn’t have become what we were without you.

When Lise got the injections she sat down rather peacefull and layed down and was gone. Seeing her lying there I felt my heart crack, my best friend was dead. And she really was my best friend, I still miss dayly. She would have loved to live with with Indie and Gaia, and she would have been a great leader for Gaia. But, then again if Lise had still been here I probably never would have bought Gaia. So, yeah everything is working out and I’m glad that I bought Gaia she really needs me. Lise rarely showed that she needed me or cared, she was much more independent, but she was so magnificent. And every day I worked with my two horses I’m thanking Lise for all the things she’s tought me in our eleven years together.

I’ll stop the sob story, I just woke up sad and crying today, so I had to write something.

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My dearest Lise, you were a star. I’m so glad that we got to spend so many wonderfull years together and cherish them all. I miss you still.

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When did it stop being about the horse?

This is just going to be a short and very angry post. Be warned, so if you are not in the mood for a hysterical post please don’t read on.

The danish championship in dressage has just been held and as it has for the past years been a sight of horror.

A friend of mine showed some pictures among them one of a horse with a blue tongue. This is just not acceptable if you ask me, and I’ll never understand why the judges don’t ask the rider to leave the competition.

Also the very debated rollkur is clearly used openly. Rollkur is a way of training where you force the horse to over extend it’s neck. It is animal cruelty, many researches have shown how this is directly damaging the horses body. But, still it’s used. How can the audience just sit there and watch this happen?? Why don’t they all stand up and walk away. Turning their back on this unacceptable behavior. Thousands of people. Well, honestly I know why. Hopefully many amongst the audience believes that it isn’t acceptable riding, but they all fear that they are the only one.

And also, this is supposed to be the greatest horseback riders in Denmark. So, unfortunately many may believe that you are suppose to ride this way. And they sure believe that they have to if they wanna win competitions.

Actually it’s the judges who need a good kicking. But, they are all probably bought.

Wow, I’m even angrier than I thought.

I’ve watched a few videos on youtube from the day and well after three I simply had to stop and write this. Actually I watched four, during the last one I was thinking oh that’s not so bad. Then I got even angrier. You shouldn’t think like that when it’s an national championship. You really shouldn’t.

It’s all about the money and prestige. Never about whether the horse is happy.

A well ridden horse can be ridden for many many years.. But, dressage horses ridden on high level rarely last long. They should be trained probably, then they could have a long career. But, sadly it isn’t the case.

The world of horses is always in such a hurry. Time is money.

Then on a smaller note I ordered this mailorder catalogue with horseequipment. How can that annoy me you might think? Well, the first half was ridiculously expensive equipment for the rider. Fair enough, but who spende 500 danish krones on a polo to wear near horses? In a minute it would be covered in hair and drull. Or perhaps the horses aren’t allowed to touch the polo.

Then the rest of the magazine has a main focus on colors and matching. Because you can’t ride a horse that doesn’t match, the horse will simply be unable to move.

I don’t mind that people like that everything is matching. But, I just don’t like when equipment is more about color than whether it’s the right equipment for the horse. It can make poor girls spend a huge amount of money on stuff just because it match. Not a fan.

I’m done 🙂

This is in a way about a girl who always got other peoples used equipment. I could never afford buying the same thing in three different colors.. And I’ll never understand why if you really just need one.

Well, the color this isn’t hurting everyone. I just don’t like the attitude that has grown from it. That some might feel obligated to spend a lot of money on something they don’t need, just so they aren’t being bullied by the others.

Then it’s like those little girls wearing dolce gabana as ten year olds, at that age I wore Dalmatian dotted leggins. 😉

Now, I’m done.

Can we let the world of horses be a little bit more about the horses? They are the season why we are all in it.

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The tale of Andy

Just found this little story I wrote about a year ago. Enjoy!

This is the tale of a young dude who’s life changed forever over night. His life changed so much that he was barely the same person after this experience. He became bom bom bom boooom somebody else.

Andy was a zoo vet. He was specialised in special animals from special countries. He couldn’t treat a cat, but a jungle cat was no problem. Andy was known all over the world as the number one guy you’d call, if you had a tropical animal who needed help.

His greatest accomplishment was still when he fixed a giraffe who had broken his neck, due to some weird sexual act. Everybody said that, that giraffe “be gone” but Andy didn’t wanna give up and by carefull treatment he saved that poor giraffe. I assume that the giraffe lived happily ever after, but I don’t know, I just like to think so…

Another one of Andy’s great accomplishments was saving a drowned killer whale. Not stranded, no drowned… It was a horrible story, apparently this whale was bi-sexual so the other whales in his “group” had tried to drown him. But Andy wouldn’t allow this, so he jumped in the water and… Wait a minute, that’s insane.. Nobody would jump into the ocean with several killer whales around. Or if someone did, they probably wouldn’t live to tell the tale. Hmm, I’m starting to think that Andy has lied to me. That son of a bitch.

Then he probably also lied about that polar bear he saved. Or I’m pretty sure that was a lie, it was the craziest story. There was this polar bear, born by a snow owl, who exploded while giving birth to the polar bear. Why did I believe this story to begin with? Sigh..

It all had something to do with this wicked Icequeen, who apparently was kind of cool. (pun intended ;-))

Well, Andy came across this strange polar bear not that long ago. It was clear that it had, had a hard life. It was dying. But Andy cared for this polar bear and nourished him back to health. The polar bear I think his name was Justin, Kinney, Juskin or something, was extremely grateful for Andy’s care.

During this time Andy and Juskin had fallen in love. Did I tell you that Andy’s a wolf. Didn’t see that coming ha’?

Oh wait, but this wasn’t what changed Andy’s life, actually it’s more common than you think that polar bears and wolves has gay relationships. Or perhaps I’m watching the wrong animal planet channel. Could be.

Well, I’m not quite sure what I had smoked while writing this, but I’ll definetly go find me some more… 😉

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Gaia, Indie and the ball

A few days ago I bought a ball for my horses. I thought it would be a fun thing to introduce them to. When you work with Natural Horsemanship you are the evil horse owner introducing your horses for all kinds of weird stuff. I do it because I want them to have seen so many things as possible, so that the entire world isn’t a huge and scary place.

My old horse Lise was terrified of everything when I got her. But after years of training we were finally able to do this..

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It took us four years, but we succeeded. Seeing these pictures makes me so proud, we got a long way.

So, back to Gaia and Indie. I simply love Gaia’s attitude towards new things, they are always more interesting than scary. She just walked up to ball and started to research this new item. DSCN0700 DSCN0701 DSCN0702 DSCN0703

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Then Indie came out to check what was going on.

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He wasn’t scared either at first.

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Then a wind made the ball move on its own. Then they both became much more skeptical.

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All in all a funny experience.

 

 

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A good nights sleep

Just a short post..
It’s amazing how a good nights sleep can change you. I rarely sleep well, I’m constantly haunted by nightmares, my body aches and I’m incapable of turning of my brain once it gets started. I’m the kind that worries, all the time I just can’t think “It’ll work out” I’m much more the panicking type.

After my father’s death I haven’t been able to think of much else. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he’s gone, it just doesn’t seem fair. He wasn’t done being my father. Because he had his own business there’s loads of stuff to be dealt with. He was an architect and a rather extraordinary one, so we couldn’t just hire someone to continue the firm. He also had a window company, which my siblings and I co-own. Since neither of us are capable of running the company and those who had promise to help us has betrayed us, we are going to sell. Hopefully we wont end up with a huge debt, but nothing is sure yet.

I’ve worried a great deal about this. I always worry about money and I hate doing so, but I can’t stand not having money for rent and stuff like that. So, money keeps me awake a lot.

Now, I’ve bought two horses. I like worrying about them much more than money, my deceased father or how my mother is doing. They are adorable and well at the moment no problem at all. One of them has ringworm which we are treating, not a really big problem. The other one is fat, but we are working on it. This is good worry. The kind where I don’t wanna bang my head against the wall, to try to stop my thoughts or get rid of an image. After I’ve gotten them I haven’t thought about my father’s death as much, I think about him of course,  but not those heartbreaking days that followed his death. They have haunted me these past three days, but enough about that.

Actually I wanted to write about this saturday night. I slept. I slept for eight consecutive hours, without waking up at all. This never happens. I was so thrilled when I woke up the following morning and I felt that I could handle anything in the entire world. That was an amazing feeling, people should have them more often. 🙂

But, actually all in all life is being rather kind at the moment. I really hope that it’ll continues and that all of the unresolved issues regarding my father will soon be dealt with.

Come spring, hopefully the entire world will be brighter. My optimist deep within truly wants to believe that it will.

I just found these pictures of one of my fathers buildings, it’s just so beautiful.

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He was so talented and had an amazing gift.

If you want, you can see more pictures on his website. We keep it alive as a tribute to a truly brilliant man. http://www.jshl.dk/

 

 

 

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Relationships

I’m in a committed relationship with the love of my life. I have no doubt that we’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together. Terrifying? Yeah…Usually I was never in a relationship for more than a couple of months, then I ran for the hills. I rarely had a good reason, I just felt trapped and that I couldn’t breath. For a long time I had huge regrets about one of the guys I threw away. The others were, well in lack of a better word idiots. But, one always haunted my mind. We hooked up at this little party a friend of mine was having, I was so drunk that I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. They put me to bed and I dreamed that I was kissing this guy, then I woke up and realised that I was. Boy, was I drunk.

He was sweet. Maybe to sweet. But, he completely melted my heart when I saw an image of him stand with his forehead against my horse, Lise’s head. That was beyond adorable. The “relationship” didn’t last long. I felt trapped and ran away. I’m pretty sure that I hurt him rather badly, and I’m truly sorry for that. I was such a coward and broke it of over the phone, I couldn’t even do it face to face.

Years later I regretted my decision to run away, because I actually thought that we could have lived happily ever after. I’ve only seen him a couple of times since and it has always been super awkward, because it ended so weird. I should have taken the confrontation back then, allowed him to yell at me or tell me not to go. So, that we could have layed our cards on the table and talked the whole thing through. That’s probably the healthy thing to do, but I’m so scared of confrontations that I simply can’t.

But, we just weren’t meant to be together. He’s now married and has a kid. I’m so glad that he got a child, that was one of his biggest dreams.

I’m with the man I am going to marry. I finally found him. The ghosts of my past will haunt me forever, but I no longer wonder: “What if?” I simply think of our time together and hope that they are happy wherever they are. Well, there are some that I hope burns in hell because of the way they’ve treated me, those who I never wish to met again and if I ever do I hope that I’m strong enough to hit them hard in the balls.

Sorry, can’t be all sweet and cotton-candy like for an entire post 😉

I’m pretty sure that I had a totally different agenda with this post. But, the mind works in mysterious ways. I’m just finding myself in a very happy place. With two lovely horses, a sweet and loving family and a boyfriend who spoils me and is good to and for me. I have always had a habit of changing myself a bit to please others, but now I am with a man who truly loves me for me. A part of me doubted if I ever would be able to find someone who would, because I can be pretty horrible at times. But, I did it. I love him and I don’t wanna run.

I have mostly written sad and depressed posts for a long time. 2012 wasn’t kind, and loosing my father nearly destroyed me. Now, the world looks brighter, and I’m scared of even thinking that things might be looking up, because whenever I do the world attacks me from behind. But, I’ll stay positive. 2013 is going to be a good year. It simply has to.

 

 

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My Own Horse(s)

It’s been a long time, but I haven’t had much spare time these past few weeks. My entire world has changed completely and turned into a world of horses.

On February 2nd my little dear sweet mare came home. Gaia.

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She’s a dear sweet baby mare, only seven months old. I’ve never owned a baby before, so I’m taking on quite a challenge. Luckily she bares over with most of the time. My old horse, Lise was a nervous mare. Her go-to move was to run and then look. Gaia looks and decides whether it’s dangerous or not, usually she comes to the conclusion that it isn’t. She isn’t scared of the world. I’m a clots, I drop things, fall down and can be very loud by accident. Yesterday I had emptied the big water bucket and then I dropped it, it made a surprisingly loud sound. Gaia was standing next to me, so as the bucket escaped my hand I thought damn, now she’s gonna be afraid of the bucket. I was stunned, she stood still next to me and started biting in the bucket. It took me years to learn Lise that it was okay to throw water buckets, but this little girl apparently doesn’t find it all that terrifying. Then I threw the bucket again, further away and Gaia simply walked up to it like a little dog.  I truly hope that her curiousness will forever trumps her fear. That could be rather fun to work with.

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Because I had to get her home rather quickly I didn’t manage to find her a playmate before I got her home. Luckily she dealt with being alone amazingly, and found some sort of company in my brothers sheep. I know that you shouldn’t leave a horse alone, but I wanted her home as fast as possible, then I simply had to figure out the rest later on. The first week went great, it felt like she actually enjoyed having the hay for herself and not being bullied. Then after about a week she started to get bored, which is quite understandable. I had already been looking for someone she could play with. This was a bit difficult, because many of the horses I could afford were rather sad cases. Some of them I truly considered calling the owner and asking for the F*** was wrong with them. There was old and lame horses given away for free, others with rather severe injuries and just some very very old horses who should not change homes.

Horses are an animal and a friend, we owe it to them to send them off when it’s time. We really owe them that much. It’s not fair to prolong their suffering just because we can’t step up and make the tough decision. Many horses never say no, so you can’t always count on them telling you when it’s time. Horses are sometimes rather similar to dogs, some will never show their owner that something’s wrong.

I’m so glad that I said goodbye to Lise before she fell apart, I would have hated to see that magnificent horse turn into a shadow. It had started to happen a little bit, she was all of a sudden much more clingy and didn’t fight the other horses on the pasture as much as she usually did. Then I had her put down. She was in charge, she was always the one controlling everything on the pasture, so to see her slip was an eye opener. She had ovary cancer, and probably could have lived one more year or so, but I did’t want her to stop being who she was, to slowly fade away until I couldn’t recognize my first love.

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No, she was magnificent until the very end and I’m so proud of myself that I could let her go, even though it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Here she is the day before she was put down, just magnificent.

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Well, my post took a rather different turn. Actually I was just getting to the part where I bought Indy. In his papers it says that his name is Indy, but I can’t stand that it’s spelled weird. So, I’ll call him Indie from now on.

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Indie is a fat and sweet pony. A very fat pony.  But, he’s so adorable and everybody can pet him, walk with him and everything. I had my doubts regarding his weight, because it’s close to impossible to make a pony lose so much weight as he needs to. But, I’m up for the challenge. When I saw him I instantly knew that I wanted to take him home. Now, I just hope that my intuition hasn’t deceived me 😉

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This was my introduction of my two new horses. I know that I made the right call bringing Gaia home, and I’m pretty sure that it was the right thing to bring Indie home. Only time can tell. But, for now my heart is melting every time I see my boyfriend walking Indie, it’s just so adorable.

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So, even though owning horses again is a huge amount of work I haven’t been this happy for a long time. Happy and tired 😉

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Hurt

I’m feeling weird there days…

I miss my father… I’m still crying, but it’s less painful now.. Now, I simply him… Miss everything we had together…

But this post is about something else, my friends…

A dear friend wrote today that she felt bad that she hadn’t been there so much.. This surprised me, because she’s one of them who’s been there the most.. Maybe not physical, but just by writing once in a while asking how I’m doing… That means a lot.
She lost her dear horse a few weeks after my father died. And well I am feeling horrible that I haven’t been able to be there for her..

Yesterday a childhood friend visited, she’s been in Bergen since august and returned to Denmark around Christmas.. It was great to talk with her, she’s known my father all her life and been my friend as long as I can remember.. She was so sorry that she couldn’t come to the funeral, but she was stuck in Norway.. It helped talking to her…

Then there’s my other childhood friends from school.. They’ve been amazing and patient with me. They were the only reason I got through the funeral… We talked about my father for hours at our annual Christmas dinner.. And they managed to make it a happy conversation, sharing their memories and stories… It was really a quite perfect evening..

Other of my friends have also been great through this.. It just seems like some of them have no idea on how to handle the situation.. I get that it’s tough, but they should simply ask instead of acting weird..

Then there are those who’s disappointed me, friends I expected much more of.. I feel like they’ve abandoned me.. Usually they would ask me out for drinks and a party, but no more. Apparently I don’t need to party or whatever.. I need every pick me up that I can get. I really thought they would know that..

This entire post is because of their facebook status’ that says that they are out drinking.. I’m so hurt that I wasn’t invited..

This might seem like a petty post, I know. But, it hurts me that some are treating me differently.. I’m still me.. I really am.. Perhaps a bit more tortured, but I’m still me..

I could write them and ask if I could join them, but I don’t do that.. I’m kinda stubborn that way..

The one that has hurt the most is this one friend. She been in Norway since October and is home for two weeks. She used to live in my building and we saw each every day. I considered her my best friend. Now she’s home and she’s spend two hours with me. Cancelled our second date.. And now she’s out with our shared friends and she didn’t invite me.. This hurts me more than I like to admit, and is probably why I usually keep my distance.. I hate getting hurt.

So, well… Friday night on the couch with a sleeping boyfriend next to me.. Me all alone with my self pity.. Does it get any better than this? 😉

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I can’t write

This is going to be very weird, me writing a post about not being able to write. But, I’m going to.

My mind is constantly writing posts for my blog, actually every single thought I am forming in my head to fit my blog. Then when I sit down planning to write it, I can’t. My head is so filled up that I need to write just to clear out some of the clutter, but I can’t gather my thoughts long enough to get them on paper. I hate this. All my life I have always turned to writing whenever the world seemed like too much. I’m always forming my thoughts to a poem, a short story or a diary. Then my thoughts would get out of my mind and live on paper. That’s why it’s rather horrible for me not being able to write it out.

As you might know I lost my only sixty-two year old father on November 28th. This has messed me up quite a bit.

There it is again, I can’t concentrate anymore. About ten lines and then I simply can’t focus. It feels like my brain is about to explode and I simply can’t empty it. That’s when I get one those damned bad days. At the moment I’m having surprisingly many good days, I only cry before I go to sleep, but that isn’t something new. I’ve done that ever since I had my dear horse Lise put down on July 28th 2011. Losing her broke my heart and I have been crying for almost every night, now I’m simply crying for two. Back to those bad days. Bad days are different for everybody, I simply ache. My entire body decides that I should stay in fetal position all day and then that’s what I do. This might seem very unproductive, but I simply can’t do anything. Every inch of my body aches, my boyfriend got quite a shock the first time, because he couldn’t even touch me. I knew that it isn’t a physical thing, it’s all mental.

I might seem like quite a weirdo by now, but well that’s just me.

I’m writing this because I need to. It’s already helping me clearing my head.

One of the reasons why I’m having such hard time writing, is because it simply seems pointless and silly. I lost my father, my biggest hero in the world and a great friend. Why is life even continuing? It shouldn’t, it makes no sense that people just live on and continue their humdrum lives. The world should stop, mourn the loss of a great man, how dare it continue turning when I’m not ready to follow.

My father died from a bleed in the brain, he was dead before he even hit the floor. So, there was nothing anyone could have done. The autopsy told that his high blood pressure was the reason for his death. Then there was something someone could have done. My father’s doctor, Lars had the week before send him home telling him that he had high blood pressure, but there was no reason to do anything about it. My father had come home that day telling my mother that he wanted another doctor; because he felt that he no longer cared. Then a week later he’s dead. The day before my father died he had spent all day arguing with the hospital regarding an operation in his shoulder. This operation was called urgent in his journal, but still they couldn’t fit him in until late February. Being in much pain he got extremely angry and argued all day, until they gave him a time on December 12. I’m sure that being so stressed and outraged has been the main reason for him dying the next day. With a high maltreated blood pressure and having to try and talk sense into the public hospital system in Denmark, his body simply couldn’t handle the pressure.

My family and I have decided to sue. If probably won’t help, but this whole thing makes me so furious that I need to do something.

I know that doctors work hard and all that, but they should have treated my father better. When you have a person with high blood pressure you test different kinds of medicine and combinations until you find something that works. My father was overweight for a long time, but he wasn’t this last year. His doctor could have helped him and quite possibly saved him. Many envy Denmark because of the free healthcare system, but are it worth much? I’m getting a healthcare insurance, so I can go to a private hospital if I should get sick. I can’t afford it this year, so fingers crossed I won’t break.

In 2012 I have spent way too much time in hospitals. First my father who broke his arm and shoulder, then my one grandmother was hospitalized a million times before she died, then my other grandmother got breast cancer and last my mother in-law was hospitalized because of very bad pneumonia.

So I’ve seen the hospital system from the inside and it aren’t pretty. My grandmother Irene, who died was hospitalized and three times they were about to give her the wrong pills. On the label it would say Irene Jensen and my grandmother’s name was Irene Hansen. Can’t people read? One time okay, it can happen, but three? She was eighty-four and sick, she shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not she would get the right pills.

Then my father. He had a broken arm and shoulder, meaning he had only one functioning arm. Did they help him eat? No. Okay, fair enough they didn’t have time to help the one armed man eat; they could at least give him something you can eat with one hand. He requested a ham/cheese sandwich and they didn’t have that. Are you kidding me, no sandwiches? It’s easy and cheap to make, and it just sounds weird that they didn’t even have that. Because he’s diabetic he couldn’t get any dessert, again WHAT? In a hospital full of old people I’m guessing that there are several patients whose diabetic. Is it really that difficult to bake a sugar free cake? I’ve done it and really isn’t. Then as an afternoon snack they gave him digestive cookies and grapes. Again are you kidding me? Two things, which is ridiculously high on sugar. You’d think that a hospital would know that too much sugar isn’t good for a diabetic patient, but I guess not.

Then my other grandmother Alice. She was treated really well, had a private room, nice doctors, she got great treatment. But, breast cancer is a high priority disease. They get money from various cancer funds, plus there’s lots of focus on the disease. As a woman with a family of breast cancer I’m very happy about this. That was a positive experience with the health care system.

Them my mother in law, Inge. She was admitted after long time of being sick from what seemed to be pneumonia. They admitted her and feared that maybe it was lung cancer. She had been admitted earlier in 2012 and treated for cancer. Luckily it was only pneumonia, but she was admitted for two weeks, shifted room four or five times and the room she was in was a two-people, but there were three people. The first time she was admitted and treated for cancer everything was fine. But the second time, well not so good. She didn’t get better until she came home.

I know that the hospitals probably don’t get enough money, but then again I can easily cut down on several things. First of every single day there’s temporary nurses, stepping in for sick. These temporary nurses get double the salary. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out that if you just took all the money spend on tempts, and divided them with what a fulltime nurse gets, then you just hire fulltime nurses instead. Then there are more hands without costing more, than it already does.

Then there are the head doctors. A friend of mines father is leader of a department and sometimes he got 100.000 Dkr (Danish crones) for a month’s work. That’s about 13.500 Euro. Crazy? Yeah I’ll say. Again I know that they’ve taken a long education and works hard, but it seems out of proportions. It really does.

Wow, I can write. I guess I just needs to write about stuff that’s pissing me off, clearly that helps.

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A horribly day

Wow, I’m so not ready to write about this.. But it’s been eleven days and I kinda have to…
As you might know my father died on the 28th November. It was a huge shock, because he wasn’t really sick…

I was sitting by my computer doing well nothing, when I heard my boyfrien in the kitched saying ‘Will you please repeat that?’ then I heard him crying. I thought that it probably was his mom or something, because she’s been very sick. I run to the kitchen and starts hugging him, while he’s still on the phone… I’m so dreading what he might say.

He looks at me with a horrified look, that I’ve never seen before. Then he says that my father is dead… I just scream. That’s what I remember, screaming. Screaming and feeling that my heart was ripped in pieces. My entire body was aching, every inch of me was screaming…

I fall to the floor and then I cry. I just cry and thinking no it’s not true. Then we had to drive home to my family. I remember that I couldn’t walk, my legs was like jelly and my boyfriend practically carried me to the car..

Then started the longest drive I’ve ever experienced. It’s only at twenty minute drive, but it felt like hours. A part of me couldn’t get home quickly enough, and another part of me just wanted to stop. I was dreading what was waiting for me back home.

When I got home my father had been picked up by an ambulance. That was I relief, I really didn’t want to see him. I feared that the image would haunt me forever.

It was my mother who found him lying on the bathroom floor. Luckily she wasn’t alone, my sister was there. The paramedics said that he had been dead for about six hours. That was horrible to hear, I feared that he had been lying there slowly dying, all alone… But, that wasn’t the case his brain had just bled out and he was dead, before he even hit the floor. That was a weird relief.

When I entered the front door everything felt off. Three dear friends of the family was there. I was so glad that we weren’t all alone. I enter the kitchen and there’s my brother, completely broken. When he sees me he jumps up and hugs me. None of us can let go, so we just stand there.

Then I see my mother, oh she’s had so much pain in her eyes. We hugged and I just felt this knot in my stomach. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna vomit or what. I went back into the hall and sat down next to our dog. She crawled into my lap and there we sat.. I couldn’t handle people, I rarely can when I’m truly heartbroken. Dogs and horses are the greatest to comfort you. Unfortunately on this day our dear dog couldn’t do anything, we were all inconsolable.

When I was able to let go of the poor dog, I went back to the kitchen. I sat down and there we all sat, quietly starring into the air. Nobody dared to speak, because what can you say in situations like this? When a sixty-two year old man just dies out of nowhere.

I really needed to write this, think it all through. My plan was to write about the funeral, but I guess I had to write this first.

Dear Father. We are all doing okay. We miss you like crazy, but we are trying to move on. I have much fewer breakdowns now, only a couple a day. I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how much I need your advice right now. I’ll miss your wisdom for the rest of my life…

To my readers, I’m sorry that I can’t write about something else. But, this is the only thing on my mind at the moment, so it’ll probably be a while. I still need to write about the funeral.

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