Forgiveness

I wrote this poem a while back.. A year or so. It has been lying in my drafts in what seems like forever.. Why haven’t I published it? Well, because it’s not about me. It’s about a dear friend who lost her beautiful horse, without ever knowing why. But, well here goes. The first poem of mine about someone else, that might actually be read by the person it’s about.. A little scary really..

How easy it can be to forgive others

How hard to forgive yourself

You are your own worst critic

You did what you could

Trust me

I was looking from afar

 

I’m sorry I wasn’t by your side

I was living my own nightmare

You did more than most

Actually more than anyone ever would

You gave him a chance

Unfortunately fate was cruel

 

I understand why you can’t let it go

It’s so much easier to handle loss

When you know who your competition are

Yours was an evil one

I’m sorry darling

But, you fought with everything in your power

 

I won’t tell you to get over yourselves

Your feelings are just

No matter how awful it may be..

I wanted to comfort you with this

But, in all honestly

I know that there are no discovered words that ever could

 

You did everything for him

He knows it

He stands by the rainbowbridge,

With his brother by his side

Begging for you to forgive

Not him, but yourself

It was suppose to be fun

It was a party
But it wasn’t fun
All those people
All I felt was loneliness

Being left behind
Is never fun
Expecially when you know no one
All alone among hundreds
All alone among people
People I should have known
People who should have known me

I hate crowds
Why did I go?
It was suppose to be fun
But, instead it made me cry
My old world has disowned me
I never really cared though
Until tonight

All those “friends”
I should have known
They couldn’t even see me
I hate being ignored
I hate when people I know
Don’t know me
Don’t recognise me

Here I am, hurt
Sad
Alone in someone’s elses home
I hate this
I never really belonged
But, I wish that I could have
At least just for tonight

I am sitting here alone in my friends house. We were at a party in my home town, and I was a complete stranger. Alone among hundreds, I felt so unwanted and lonely. I will never put myself in that situation again. It makes me feel like shit.. and I’m not fond of that.

My friend and her boyfriend stayed. I told them to, I couldn’t ruin their evening also. So, her mom drove me home. Just like in the good old days.. I was always the one leaving early, I have never been a fan of many people. And especially the ones from my  home town.. sometimes it just could  have been nice to fit in.. but, I guess that it just wasn’t suppose to be.

It was all probably for the best, most of the people such anyway 😉

A beautiful day

Today was an absolutely stunning winter day.. Blue sky and NO RAIN imagine that… and and and I had the entire day off to spend with my horses.. This happens so rare, so here I am writing about it..

I started out by grooming Indie my pony.. He has been acting weird, and I’ve been unable to catch him when I wanted to groom him. I have always started with Gaia my filly, because she’s always right there in your face when she’s done eating. This past week I have tried starting with Indie to see if that would help to make him not avoiding me.. It has worked like a charm and he seems to like being the first.. Actually of course he should be the first, he is (or should be) the leader of the herd.. I have been able to catch him every day this week.. Awesome! I know you should be able to catch your horse, but sometimes Indie can be a little difficult to understand..

I took him out for a walk and afterwards we trained some driving exercises.. I really hope that I’ll be able to afford a wagon for him this year.. It could be freaking awesome.. The only problem about this is that I know nothing about this, but I’m trying the best I can.. today I walked behind him with two robes in his halter. He’s an awesome horse to train, very cautious and focused.. He’s just the coolest pony I’ve ever met..

When I train Indie, Gaia is running around like crazy on the pasture.. she hates when she’s left alone. She is getting a little better, so we’re working on it..

When I was done with Indie Gaia was a little hysterical. So, I decided to feed and water the sheep while she cooled down.. This took a while and when I wanted to get her they had walked to the far end of the pasture.. I called and whistled, which usually makes them come running. Not today though. Gaia didn’t even look.. I guess she was a little pissed being saved for last, even after the sheep. But, I went to get her and she followed me without discussion. Indie did to, enjoying that I was holding Gaia he trotted around her and was bucking all over the place.. He such a cute pony.. and Gaia walked nicely at my side. She’s so amazing..

I worked with her a little bit. Just the signals she needs to know for us to live together.. That’s all we’ve worked on this year and she’s is a very sweet horse.. She’s very hard to keep focused so we are taking it slow. Making sure that she understands what I am asking of her, she’s actually a very easy horse to work with. But, she’s very different from Indie, he’s working hard to understand what I am asking of him.. Gaia has it much easier, she understands most tasks easily.

So, this was my day.. Horses and sheep all over the place.. I hope that I’ll have many more days like this in 2014, they make me so happy 🙂

A weird experience

Today was a perfectly beautiful dry day.. I groomed both my horses and I actually got Indie almost clean..

And I’m officially a fan of Showshine.. A product you spray on the horses mane and tail, it makes it easier to comb and makes it soft.. Indie and Gaias mane has been crazy soft ever since I sprayed them the on the 25th.. I’m a huge fan. Gaia didn’t care about the spraying, she’s so awesome. Indie hated it and we talked about for a while before I was allowed to spray. Stubborn little pony.. He doesn’t mind when I spray him with antibacterial, so he was a little bit annoying..

But, back to today. I had finished grooming both of them and went on to fix their stall.. fresh water, straw and wrapped hay. When I was done I walked along the fence to check if everything was okay..

While I was walking and observing my horses a woman comes up to me. She asks if it’s my horses and I say yes. She then says that she was happy to meet me and she would just warn me, because she was turning me in to the police. I froze.

Wondering what I could have done wrong. Of course I asked her  why? Then I could see her face turn red and she said that I really should know.. I simply had to ask again what I had done? Getting a little scared and angry by now.. she tells me that she had observed my horses for months and noticed that they were outside at all hours of the day. She had Googled it and that wasn’t allowed. A horse should have shelter.

I stood their amazed while I was yelled at by a stranger. When she was done telling me what a horrible person I was, I told her to come with me. I had no idea how to explain to this hysterical woman that I really wasn’t an evil human being.

I showed her my horses house

And I told her that my horses can walk in and out as they please. She cooled down and looked quite embarrassed.
She then asked why my horses would stay outside in pouring rain? The only thing I could do was smile and tell her that I had no idea.

She said thank you for showing her the horses house and that she could see the horses were alright and left. No apology! Bitch, coming and accusing me for being cruel to my horses and then not apologising..

So, me hating people even more..

A few pictures from today. Because even because of this woman it was a truly beautiful day. And I spent a lot of time with my awesome horses. I love them and I know that they are living a happy horse life… That is enough for me.

Friendships

Earlier this year I wrote about my disappointment in some of my friends. How I thought they would have been more present during me loosing my father. Now, I have realised that it’s time for me to look at myself.

I’m actually not a very good friend. I believe that I’m a good friend when I am with my friends. But, I’m just a horrible friend from afar. I am never the one to write my friends and ask if we should hang out or write and ask how life is treating them. I don’t. I should, but I just don’t. I’ve always exspected that people would contact me and arrange a “get-to-together”. For a long time it worked that way, there was always someone who wrote me during the day. Everyday. Now, things have changed.

I rarely get messages from my friends. It’s my own fault. I will still remain disappointed in those who hadn’t contacted me much when my father died. I guess that my friends would know that I didn’t have the energy to take contact. So, I have mentally deleted some friendsships. There’s just some people I don’t even want as friends anymore. 

It’s not like I’ve deleted my entire friendlist in my head, it’s only two people who I no longer want in my life. Simply because it hurts to much to be ignored.

The rest of the people I call my friends I love deeply and would hate to loose. I just hope that they’ll wait for me to learn to take contact, I’m sure that it’ll be any day now. I know that some of my friends feel like they’ve lost me to my boyfriend, and I have focused most of my time on our relationship. I have never had a real boyfriend before so I have disappeared into this relationship and forgot to spend time with my friends. I will not regret having spend most of my time with my boyfriend this past two years and a half. However I will regret if I continue to ignore my friends and perhabs lose some of the people dearest to me.

This post is mostly a promiss to myself to be a better friend.

I miss sitting and drinking beer while playing silly computer games, chatting about our horses.

I miss drinking cocktails and listening to ridicoulus music.

I miss watching Disney cartoons and singing along like crazy.

I miss laying all day in bed watching “O.C” or “24” while eating popcorn and icecream.

Sitting around watching silly romantic comedies

My problem these days is that I’m so tired once I get home from work, then I have my two horses and then my family and boyfriend. Everything take time, but I will try to do better. This will be my New years resolution

My dear friends, you mean the world to me, thank you for putting up with me. You know who you are..

 

Rain

Just a short post.. I am sick of rain!!! I feel like my horses have been wet for over a month by now..

Yesterday it wasn’t raining, and of course I couldn’t visit my horses until the evening.. By then both of them had somehow managed to become wet.. I’m guessing that I can blame the heavy fog… sigh

I miss dry horses, you actually can clean. My shetlandspony Indie has been impossible to get clean in like forever.. I have tried my best, but his pony fur just hates me… So, today I tried brushing and drying him a bit with straw.. It actually worked a lot better than I had imagined.. He looked a little dryer and cleaner when I was done..

My filly Gaia is also wet all the time, but she’s much higher and therefor further from the dirty ground.. So, I have been able to get her close to clean everyday..

Grrr.. Rain .. I miss some frost.. Much easier having horses when the world is frozen… Of course then my water will freeze and I’ll obsess about whether or not Gaia is cold. Why do I own horses?

I do know why. Because even though they are driving me crazy, they are also keeping me sane.. Horses are honest. They force you to keep calm, otherwise they see right through you.. I love that.. And then everyday when I’m met by Gaia who looks so happy to see me, you forget all the worries they cause..

But, back to rain.. Everyday I wonder why they don’t stay inside when it’s raining all day.. They have a huge dry stall with food.. But, still they prefer to stay outside.. What does that tell ya? Either my horses are stupid, hate their house or perhabs they are horses enjoying that they can stay outside all day and don’t care that they get wet.. I don’t know which 😉 I just know that I will never own a stabled horse again…

Even though I’ll have to live with rain and wet horses..

A quiet force of nature

A quiet force of nature
Silently suffering
People say that you can’t force them
Then how come you can

Have you heard them scream?
Have you seen them cry?
Have you noticed the pain in their eyes
Is this a pretty picture?

A quiet force of muscle
Capable of running fast
Capable of jumping high
Faster and higher to please you

Have you heard them scream?
Have you seen them cry?
Have you noticed the pain in their eyes
Is this a pretty picture?

A quiet force of strenght
Collected and held
People say you can hold them
Then how come you can

Have you heard them scream?
Have you seen them cry?
Have you noticed the pain in their eyes
Is this a pretty picture?

A quiet force of soul
A struggling animal
trying to please
Only demanding love

Can we not agree that they deserve it?

A bunch of thoughts

This week I’m back at school, this means that I finally have all the time in the world to write. Because I’m not listening even a little bit, it’s just plain boring and silly. But, I’m here and I have time to write which is something I’ve missed having time for.

I had a plan that I would finally finish my review of Les Miserable, well this is not happening. I simply can’t write the recap, the story is hopeless and long. So, that review will probably forever stay a draft. I would love to write it, but by now I have forgotten most of the movie and I’m not in the mood for reading up on the story.. No no. I’m lazy like that.

Yesterday I realized that I have completely forgotten to write about a huge thing that has happened to me. I’M ENGAGED. My boyfriend proposed to me on the 15^th of August. So, I’m finally getting married. He proposed on a Thursday on the day of our annual anniversary. I had been away all day, seeing a musical with my family. I returned home at 23:45 and my boyfriend was still awake. This surprised a bit, because he usually go to bed early. We then just sat and talked for bit, until he stood up and walked into the kitchen. He returned with lots of red roses, he gave them to me and said happy anniversary. I was so happy I had completely forgotten everything about it, so just the fact that he remembered was huge. Then he got down on one knee and proposed. I of course said yes.

He makes me so happy, and I’m so glad that he wants to marry me. He wants to marry me, not the perfect version of me. Just me, with all the problems and chaos that follows. I’m a very lucky girl.

The only problem is that someone is missing. My father. No matter how happy I get about stuff, I get equally as sad at the same time, because my father isn’t there. On my wedding day I always dreamed that my father would walk me down the aisle. Now, this dream is destroyed. I know that it’s silly, but my wedding has been something I’ve dreamed about ever since I was a little girl. I want my fairytale, even if it’s just one day. I’ve been miserable for a huge part of my life and I always dreamed of this one happy day, and now it can never be truly happy. When I walk down the aisle with my brother, I know I’ll will be sad.

Okay, so not the post I should write surrounded by people in a classroom, I hope they don’t see the tears in my eyes.

I’ll stop whining now, because I know that it’s stupid. People struggle around the world with deadly illness, hunger and war in their country. My wedding worries seems rather insignificant.

I’m getting married. And to the right guy, that should be enough right?

Another thing that occupies my mind is that my fiancée and I has started looking for a new place to live. We live in a small rented apartment. It has been going great actually, I never thought that I could live with anyone without my own room, were I could close the door. I have survived for a year and a half, but now I’m beginning to feel the need to move on. I want something bigger. A place where I can have an office, where I can write whenever I want. These days I need to pack away all my stuff away every time. That doesn’t work very well for me.

So, we are looking at a house in the country. Perhaps even with space for my two horses, and maybe even space for a third 😉 I have made a budget for us, so now I just need to make an appointment with my bank. Hopefully they’ll alow to loan the money we need for our dream house. But, we’ll see. I’m quite excited.

I really needed this to look forward to, because I’m now entering a minefield of sad “anniversaries”. On the 22nd october my father should have turned 63. On 28th november he died and on the 5th december we had his funeral. Again I know I shouldn’t torture myself with remembering these days, but that’s just how my mind works. I will never forget the day he died, the funeral and his birthday. These three days will haunt me forever. A part of me want them to, I need them. I need these days to grief. I’m being so strong in my every day life, trying to keep myself together. I need these three days where I can allow myself to fall apart. I really do.

I actually live a pretty nice little life. I love my family, my horses, my fiancée, my dog and my friends. I am working on focusing on the good things during the day, this blog is just my space to get rid of all the bad stuff.

Perhaps I should listen to the teacher, just for a few minutes.

 

Taking a step back

This post is inspired by a post by my friend Veronica Merlin ”A critical eye”.

http://starstonestenfalk.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/a-critical-eye/

She has taking a look at some of her riding photo’s of her and her horse Saleem. The pictures show that they are going in the wrong direction with their training. This realization has made her change her training, so that they are moving forward in the right direction.

If only more horse trainers would do that. Simply taking a step back and taking a hard look at yourself with a critical eye. It’s just always a good thing to actually think about what you’re doing. Because sometimes you can end up on autopilot and never realizing that you’re not going in the direction you wanted.

With my old horse Lise I was forced twice to take a look at how we were working. The first time was shortly after I bought her, where she got a back injury due to an unfitted saddle. Then we had to figure out how to work through it. I discovered Natural horsemanship and it changed me forever. Lise and I found a whole new way of working together from the ground and by doing this we found each other. After we had overcome her back injury I wanted to compete in dressage. I did so every other weekend at local shows with a friend of mine. After a year I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted, because I had lost some of the connection with Lise I had built earlier. Competing was my first priority and this made me forget what was actually important, the friendship with my horse.

When I was young I was a great rider, but after I stopped competing I also stopped developing. So, I didn’t stop up and look at myself again. I should have. With Lise riding was always a struggle, and after reading my friends post I realized that I should have done something. Lise and I were rarely in sync when I was on her back. Only while racing on the fields or riding alone through the forest, then she trusted me and we could go anywhere. But, the second a horse joined us she didn’t. The second my feet hit the ground she was with me, but we had our issues when I was riding her. And I should have realized this. I really should have.

This is my bad conscience. I did fail Lise in more ways than one and I’m only first realizing half of it now. Mostly it was small things and I probably shouldn’t continue kicking myself, but it’s hard to stop. I will stop though, Lise loved me and she followed me, so I must have done something right. I will do a lot different with my two new horses though. They deserve the best version of me. Lise got the best version of me at that time and it just wasn’t good enough.

I will write a little about how this realization will change my way of working with Indie and Gaia.

Indie

I’m slowly realizing how to work with him. His mood is shifting, one day he clings to me and the next I can’t even catch him. I decided to keep track of what I had done the previous day and see if that affected the next day. The days where I’m incapable of catching him is when I for example have worked him in a lunge. He doesn’t like that and this is something I’m forcing him to do. So, if I’ve been working him in a lunge then I can’t catch him for two days. I probably could catch him if I really tried, but I’ve tried that. I tried twice, I spend hours and we both got frustrated, because clearly he was trying to tell me something. So, if I can’t catch him the first time I try I simply don’t. Now, many of you probably think that I’m letting the horse win and that it’s the worst possible thing I could do. Perhaps you’re right, but I don’t care. I’m getting a feeling that this pony has been forced to do a lot of things he didn’t want to do. So, I’m trying to figure out how I can gain his trust.

When I haven’t worked with him for two days he clings. He stands ready to be groomed next, when I’m done with Gaia. This is what I want. I want a horse waiting for me and looking forward to working with me. The problem is he’s overweight and lunging is just the easiest way to give him the exercise he needs, but for now I wont lunge him. I just need to be creative. Instead I walk him together with Gaia and he loves that, or training different things like stepping up on a platform, playing with a ball and so on.

My conclusion with him is that he needs to have fun with me. Soon they will get a smaller pasture, then it’s easier for me to control how much he’s eating. We’ll make it work.

Gaia

My darling little girl. I constantly forget that she’s young, because she’s so big. She needs to learn that she can’t run me down, she has gotten a lot better, but she still forgets my space once in a while. My problem with her is me. I’ve had a hard time lately, being stressed and just sad. Know the feeling were you are just filled with sadness and unable to point out exactly why? That’s been me for the past couple of months. This has been a problem in our training. Many days I simply decide that I’m incapable of training her, without losing my temper. On bad days I often just spend time with them in the pasture, without asking anything of them. Because then I can’t get annoyed.

All horsemanship trainers will say that I will simply need to control my emotions. Leave the frustrations behind once you enter the world of horses. Yeah well, I can’t do that. With Lise I could, she knew every inch of me and sensed when I was sad. I don’t know what she did. She always comforted me, simply by being there.

Gaia loves me, she really does. But, she doesn’t know me yet, of course we’ll get there in time. She can’t comfort me, she isn’t calm enough. She can’t concentrate long enough to stay with. Indie can, he’s gonna be a great little comforting horse 🙂 Gaia is young and she is going to be an amazing horse, she great to work with, she’s just happy and easy. With her I just need to remember that she’s still a baby. So, I will also take a step back over winter and let her breath. Of course she will still be groomed, walked and trained a little bit, it’s more about me learning to train her without having to many expectations. I really think she needs that.

So, I took a step back and looked at my horses. Wondering what they would like for me to do for them. I hope that I’ve come to the right conclusion, either way I’ll take a look again when spring comes.

My Horses and a Bridge

For a while now I’ve been planning on writing a post entitled “Am I in over my head”. Owning a one year old horse has been a challenge, I’ve never worked that much with young horses. I’m finding it very exciting and at the same time quite stressful. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and that we aren’t getting anywhere.

I bought Gaia in february when she was eight months old. She was so small and very quiet, which also had me very worried. Would she ever get the confidence to act on her own accord? My worries were wasted, she has become a very brave young lady and I’m completely in love with her. I do feel like I’m in over my head sometimes and I fear that I’m not doing good enough. But, today I thought of how far we’ve come. 

This picture is from the first time I met her. 

 

These pictures are seven months later, a few days ago. 

 

 

She has grown up to be such a beautiful horse. 

She has also learned to be groomed, having a halter put on and taken of. Walking with me. Turning when I ask her, walking backwards when I ask her and walking past me when I ask her. We have actually come a long way. The most important thing is that she comes running the second she sees me and neighs. That makes my heart melt every single day. 

And now for the reason why my post isn’t called “Am I in over my head?”. The Bridge. 

On my pasture there’s a bridge that leads over to a rather big island. Until last friday they’ve never crossed the bridge. But, on that special day my dear little pony Indie walked across the bridge leaving Gaia along on the other side. She was running back and forth panicking. Since Indie had now realised that there was grass on the island I knew that there was no stopping him in crossing. My brothers sheep live together with my horses, so I couldn’t just close of the bridge, because the sheep need the grass. 

So, I had to teach Gaia to gross the bridge. I went to her and petted her and then I walked. She followed me. No question asked. She walked slowly and looked at the bridge with all the scepticism she could muster, but she followed me. When we walk over once I though that she might have been so sweet because she wanted to get over to Indie, so I walked back and forth a couple of times, and she followed me. I have never worked with a horse that trusted me so blindly, it caught me completely of guard. She chose to follow me instead of running of to Indie. 

The next day I brought my camera and got some great shots of my little darlings, today Indie couldn’t resist playing along. 

 

    

  

  

  

I’m a very proud horse owner. 

Then yesterday it rained in Denmark. A lot. My boyfriend had come to the stable before me and found Gaia trapped on the Island with Indie again on the other side. A wooden bridge gets crazy slippery when it’s raining. My boyfriend was clever and lured Indie on to the island and closed of the bridge. I’m so impressed by his actions. First of that he didn’t just walk away and leave Gaia alone and in panick. Second that he didn’t start handling Gaia, it was the only right thing to do getting Indie over the bridge to Gaia. 

When I got there I walked out and opened the bridge. Gaia walked up to bridge, but made sure not to touch it. I walked up to her and stood there petting her for a while then I slowly walked on to the bridge. She followed, but once she touched the bridge she panicked and wanted to run and I backed her of the bridge. Then my little hero came along, Indie. He walked on to the bridge and turned so that he filled most of the bridge and almost walked sideways. Gaia followed him and again wanted to quickly run across the bridge, but Indie filling the entire thing and walking slowly across  forced her to calm down. They left me on the island speechless. 

So, we are doing rather great. I am the proud owner of to magnificent horses, I’m slowly realising how perfect a fit they are for me.